New Years' Eve...
I can finally officially say goodbye to this beautiful, ugly, terrible, wonderful year.
I can only count the blessings of this year in contrast to the tragedies. If it weren't for the low points, I fear I may have neglected to make note of the high ones.
I have come to know and grown close to so many wonderful people this year. Thanks to these, I now know how I want to spend my time.
I have lost... so deeply... and the shock made me realize how I want to spend my time. Why waste another moment? I hope that I never again take the ones I love for granted...
I have enriched my quality of life by forgetting about forgettable people... People that didn't have my best interest in mind, and were only using me as a point of interest.
I have been on grand adventures, with the best of the best at my side. I hope to never forget the wonderful moments I have shared with the friends and family I have that really care about who I am and who I want to be. This is has been the most rewarding part... Sharing my life with others and having them share theirs with me. These are the moments that make me feel like this year has been worth something.
I have changed... and also have yet to decide if I like that change or not.
My hope for next year is that it will be even more full. I want to relax more, and take every moment as it is, the good and the bad.
I want to have more adventures, and spend more time with the people who matter. I want to spend less time trying to please the people who don't.
Most of all, I want those I love to have success and fulfillment. I want them to have the best years they can possibly have. I want to see them spread their wings and become the people they want to be. I no longer want to have to watch them struggle, because I know they deserve more than that... And I want those of my loved ones who haven't realized that to do so.
It's going to be a big year... I can feel it... Won't you share it with me?
And I say
"Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything and
Sometimes, I'm so alive, so alive
Sometimes, I feel like I can zoom 'cross the sky and
Sometimes, I wanna cry"
Most people try to aim to please
But a lot a them are kinda weak in the knees
Learnin' late about the birds and the bees
Fallin' in love and wanna be set free
Playin' ball at the age of thirteen
Everybody's growin' up with a dream
I never noticed what could happen to me
Time flies when you're walking the streets
One minute gotcha holdin' an ace
The next minute gotcha fall on your face
A mean city is a nasty place
Only a rat can win a rat race
Peace to the people who be fallin' away
To make it home today
And peace to the people who be tryin' to find
Some kind of life
Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything and
Sometimes, I'm so alive, so alive
Sometimes, I feel like I can zoom 'cross the sky and
Sometimes, I wanna cry
Yeah love never stop now
Our love will never stop now
Yeah love will never stop now
Our love will always shine
Sound of body and sound of mind
Sound of the rhythm and sound of the rhyme
Somebody marchin' all out of time
Biggest mistakes are the humanest kind
Judge not, lest you be judged
The court room or the Billy club
Blood bubblin' thicker than mud yo'
The heart beat rub-a-dub-dub
Show love and love who you know
Family wherever you go
Tokyo to Acapulco
Bravissimo, magnifico
Peace to the people who be losin' their head
Peace to the people who be needin' a bed
Love to the people who be feelin' alone
Spreadin' love upon the microphone
Hope to the people who be feelin' down
Smile to the people who be wearin' a frown
Faith to the people who be seekin' the truth y'all
- Sometimes, Michael Franti
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Good Riddance - Time of Your Life
So that's another year on the board for me. I turned twenty today. That's two decades of wreaking havoc on the planet earth! Look at me go!
Looking back on the last year... So many things have changed. In the last year, I've made so many decisions... And so many of them changed my life. It hasn't been an easy year, and perhaps that's partially karma. The prior year was basically all fun and games, so I guess it's about time I got what was coming to me. It's okay though, because I learned a lot this year and I thought I would impart some of this knowledge to you, whoever you are, that happens to be reading this.
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned, and something that should be common sense but we all tend to take for granted, is savor the happy moments. You get to a place in life where they become few and far between, so it's good to have the aftertaste of something wonderful to look back on. Take lots of pictures. Make lots of memories. Create opportunities to be with the people you care about, because they're worth it, and it could all be gone in an instant. I think that may be a lesson Sami reiterated for me. I still have a hard time thinking and talking about that. I to do so, however, as often as I can... I've made the mistake of not allowing myself to mourn before, and I will forever reap the consequences.
Know who you are, and be conscientious of who you want to be. If coming from a small town has taught be nothing at all, it did teach me this: People who have no goals or focus, go nowhere. It pains me to see so many good people just rotting away, treating themselves and other people like so much refuse. It makes me think if they would stop and think about it for an instant they might be able to make more of themselves. It really is sad that so many people would rather just live moment to moment, trapped in a whorlpool of instant gratification, where all they can think about is what is going to make them feel better now, no matter what the consequences are in the future. It really is sad.
This year has taught be the importance of loving yourself, and not letting other people define how you feel about you. I guess this is tied back to the Codependency video I've posted about a thousand times, and I hope it's affected someone. I guess I post it so much because it hits pretty close to home. I'm only one in a sea of people that have had issues with self-worth, and I know how hard it is to recover sometimes... But you know what? How can you truly learn to love someone else if you can't even love yourself? Knowing yourself as and individual and being happy with who you are is so essential to having healthy relationships with other people... Looking for all the good things about yourself in other people can try a relationship so intensely... I've been on both sides of that coin, and that's why I can say this... Do whatever you need to do to get right with yourself, because in the end, you'll be better off for it, I promise.
One day at a time is more than enough. Sometimes it's good to have a plan or a schedule, because some people need that kind of organization. I understand that because I'm one of those people. But if you overload yourself and try to handle a week's worth of crap in one day, you just end up stressed out and unhappy, and in the end you make everyone around you unhappy too. I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. If my life were a fairytale, Stress would be my dragon, and it and I would have an epic battle almost every day. And I can't tell you how important it is to just stop and relax once in a while. I'm pretty sure I almost lost my sanity this last semester, because once in a while I would forget what's REALLY good for me, and it's not perfect grades (though that would be nice, it's unrealistic.)
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, know when to let go. Sometimes that's a hard line to draw but... I've talked before about how I have a hard time with pulling back and learning when I just have to step away but... I feel like I'm getting better. I think I owe that in part to that fact that I've realized giving 110% isn't worth it unless you're going to get it back. And I also think I owe that to the fact that in the last year I've gotten really close to some wonderful people who do give that 110%. Those people have shown me that there is hope for mankind, and it's not totally comprised of selfish bastards.
So I guess... happy birthday to me :) It's been a good year, if a difficult one... But it's okay! Hopefully this one will be another worthwhile year...
Merry Christmas everyone...
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
- Good Riddance - Time of Your Life, Green Day
Looking back on the last year... So many things have changed. In the last year, I've made so many decisions... And so many of them changed my life. It hasn't been an easy year, and perhaps that's partially karma. The prior year was basically all fun and games, so I guess it's about time I got what was coming to me. It's okay though, because I learned a lot this year and I thought I would impart some of this knowledge to you, whoever you are, that happens to be reading this.
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned, and something that should be common sense but we all tend to take for granted, is savor the happy moments. You get to a place in life where they become few and far between, so it's good to have the aftertaste of something wonderful to look back on. Take lots of pictures. Make lots of memories. Create opportunities to be with the people you care about, because they're worth it, and it could all be gone in an instant. I think that may be a lesson Sami reiterated for me. I still have a hard time thinking and talking about that. I to do so, however, as often as I can... I've made the mistake of not allowing myself to mourn before, and I will forever reap the consequences.
Know who you are, and be conscientious of who you want to be. If coming from a small town has taught be nothing at all, it did teach me this: People who have no goals or focus, go nowhere. It pains me to see so many good people just rotting away, treating themselves and other people like so much refuse. It makes me think if they would stop and think about it for an instant they might be able to make more of themselves. It really is sad that so many people would rather just live moment to moment, trapped in a whorlpool of instant gratification, where all they can think about is what is going to make them feel better now, no matter what the consequences are in the future. It really is sad.
This year has taught be the importance of loving yourself, and not letting other people define how you feel about you. I guess this is tied back to the Codependency video I've posted about a thousand times, and I hope it's affected someone. I guess I post it so much because it hits pretty close to home. I'm only one in a sea of people that have had issues with self-worth, and I know how hard it is to recover sometimes... But you know what? How can you truly learn to love someone else if you can't even love yourself? Knowing yourself as and individual and being happy with who you are is so essential to having healthy relationships with other people... Looking for all the good things about yourself in other people can try a relationship so intensely... I've been on both sides of that coin, and that's why I can say this... Do whatever you need to do to get right with yourself, because in the end, you'll be better off for it, I promise.
One day at a time is more than enough. Sometimes it's good to have a plan or a schedule, because some people need that kind of organization. I understand that because I'm one of those people. But if you overload yourself and try to handle a week's worth of crap in one day, you just end up stressed out and unhappy, and in the end you make everyone around you unhappy too. I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. If my life were a fairytale, Stress would be my dragon, and it and I would have an epic battle almost every day. And I can't tell you how important it is to just stop and relax once in a while. I'm pretty sure I almost lost my sanity this last semester, because once in a while I would forget what's REALLY good for me, and it's not perfect grades (though that would be nice, it's unrealistic.)
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, know when to let go. Sometimes that's a hard line to draw but... I've talked before about how I have a hard time with pulling back and learning when I just have to step away but... I feel like I'm getting better. I think I owe that in part to that fact that I've realized giving 110% isn't worth it unless you're going to get it back. And I also think I owe that to the fact that in the last year I've gotten really close to some wonderful people who do give that 110%. Those people have shown me that there is hope for mankind, and it's not totally comprised of selfish bastards.
So I guess... happy birthday to me :) It's been a good year, if a difficult one... But it's okay! Hopefully this one will be another worthwhile year...
Merry Christmas everyone...
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
- Good Riddance - Time of Your Life, Green Day
Friday, December 10, 2010
Black Sheep
I don't really know how to start this...
One.Two.Three.Go.
God doesn't always give you the people you want. But he will give you the people that you need...
My philosophy is God gives you the people who will make you who you are. And sometimes he gives you the people who will show you exactly who you don't want to be.
Sometimes I look back and I think, 'I could have said this, THAT would've been satisfying.' I guess in some ways the me now is somehow less mature than the me of back then. I'm not really sure if I would change anything if I was put back in that situation, or if I something similar happened to me today that I would say really immature, terrible things... But it's a thought.
Something else that's been on my mind lately... Sometimes life gives you pills that are hard to swallow, and it doesn't offer you anything to take it down with. Starting over is hard, but maybe that's what we all need from time to time... A fresh start.
I tend to get this urge to just run away and never look back. I know the reason for this is that I'm not completely secure in any of my relationships... and that's my fault. But in the end, I'm looking for a two-way street. I'm looking to know that you care as much about me as I do about you. I need that kind of reassurance.
And trust is essential. It can't just be one person trusting the other, either... You have to trust each other equally. I have a history of trusting too much, too quickly... And I know it's because I'm desperate to see something that's not necessarily there... So I'm starting to think maybe it's time to pull back. It's moments like that I just want to be alone, because people are complicated and relationships are hard. My energy stores were depleted a long time ago, so I don't have all that much to give anymore. If I'm going to have to start at square one all over again, I might as well drop it and find new people... I've not really done anything to prove myself untrustworthy, so I think I deserve better.
And I guess that's part of the problem... Trying to figure out what I deserve and what I need to work harder for in order to attain... And sometimes it's hard enough to figure out if the work is worth it.
-sigh- It sucks... But like I've said before... I guess it's all part of growing up....
Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again
I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you
- Black Sheep, Metric
One.Two.Three.Go.
God doesn't always give you the people you want. But he will give you the people that you need...
My philosophy is God gives you the people who will make you who you are. And sometimes he gives you the people who will show you exactly who you don't want to be.
Sometimes I look back and I think, 'I could have said this, THAT would've been satisfying.' I guess in some ways the me now is somehow less mature than the me of back then. I'm not really sure if I would change anything if I was put back in that situation, or if I something similar happened to me today that I would say really immature, terrible things... But it's a thought.
Something else that's been on my mind lately... Sometimes life gives you pills that are hard to swallow, and it doesn't offer you anything to take it down with. Starting over is hard, but maybe that's what we all need from time to time... A fresh start.
I tend to get this urge to just run away and never look back. I know the reason for this is that I'm not completely secure in any of my relationships... and that's my fault. But in the end, I'm looking for a two-way street. I'm looking to know that you care as much about me as I do about you. I need that kind of reassurance.
And trust is essential. It can't just be one person trusting the other, either... You have to trust each other equally. I have a history of trusting too much, too quickly... And I know it's because I'm desperate to see something that's not necessarily there... So I'm starting to think maybe it's time to pull back. It's moments like that I just want to be alone, because people are complicated and relationships are hard. My energy stores were depleted a long time ago, so I don't have all that much to give anymore. If I'm going to have to start at square one all over again, I might as well drop it and find new people... I've not really done anything to prove myself untrustworthy, so I think I deserve better.
And I guess that's part of the problem... Trying to figure out what I deserve and what I need to work harder for in order to attain... And sometimes it's hard enough to figure out if the work is worth it.
-sigh- It sucks... But like I've said before... I guess it's all part of growing up....
Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again
I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you
- Black Sheep, Metric
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Not Now
My philosophy has always been that if you find yourself at a place in your life where you are unhappy, do whatever it takes to get happy. Simple as that. Get.Happy.
So here I am. Not to say my home life, isn't wonderful, because it is. I have the man of my dreams, and what else could I possibly ask for, right? Well I have a confession.
Now hang on to your seats, folks, because this may come as a shock to some of you. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? Okay, here it comes...
A romance isn't everything.
I know, that probably threw you for a loop, but that's the truth of it. Emil fulfills such a huge part of my life, and he is my BEST FRIEND, but what it comes down to is that it's still just part. To have the whole of it, there's more out there, and friends are equal to lovers. And let's be realistic here, for the vast majority of those in not-totally-committed relationships, friends are MORE important than lovers, because they don't come and go as frequently.
But to come back to the point, while I do have a lot of happiness and so much to be thankful for... These days I find myself often lonely. It seems like when I start to get close to people, they're suddenly not in my life anymore, or are just far away, physically. Relationships require effort anyways, so when you're hundreds of miles from the people you care about, it tends to change the dynamic of the relationship a bit. With determination, it can be made to work... but it has to go both ways, and that's not always the case.
And perhaps this is what makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world. I can't even count how many times I put up that codependency video by Chris Crocker. I know that I should be able to make me happy. That I should be enough to feel loved and whole. But it turns out... I feed off of others and their support. For a very long time, I have been sustained by my friends. Not my family. Not men. My friends. So when I have a lot of people I really care about go away all at once... it's a very difficult experience for me to handle. I feel very isolated and... well... lonely. And I hate that feeling. It's one of the hardest for me to cope with...
Not that I expect anyone else to take action on this, because I know in the end it's me and I just need to get over it... I'm trying to figure out who's trying to tell me what with this one, but it's a little more difficult for me to solve this particular puzzle... Perhaps I need to become more independent? Maybe that's what life is trying to tell me this time.
I'm trying to keep my mind and heart open. I'm going to do whatever I have to to get happy. Even if I have to start over from the ground up... I'll do what it takes.
Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting
- Not Now, Blink-182
So here I am. Not to say my home life, isn't wonderful, because it is. I have the man of my dreams, and what else could I possibly ask for, right? Well I have a confession.
Now hang on to your seats, folks, because this may come as a shock to some of you. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? Okay, here it comes...
A romance isn't everything.
I know, that probably threw you for a loop, but that's the truth of it. Emil fulfills such a huge part of my life, and he is my BEST FRIEND, but what it comes down to is that it's still just part. To have the whole of it, there's more out there, and friends are equal to lovers. And let's be realistic here, for the vast majority of those in not-totally-committed relationships, friends are MORE important than lovers, because they don't come and go as frequently.
But to come back to the point, while I do have a lot of happiness and so much to be thankful for... These days I find myself often lonely. It seems like when I start to get close to people, they're suddenly not in my life anymore, or are just far away, physically. Relationships require effort anyways, so when you're hundreds of miles from the people you care about, it tends to change the dynamic of the relationship a bit. With determination, it can be made to work... but it has to go both ways, and that's not always the case.
And perhaps this is what makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world. I can't even count how many times I put up that codependency video by Chris Crocker. I know that I should be able to make me happy. That I should be enough to feel loved and whole. But it turns out... I feed off of others and their support. For a very long time, I have been sustained by my friends. Not my family. Not men. My friends. So when I have a lot of people I really care about go away all at once... it's a very difficult experience for me to handle. I feel very isolated and... well... lonely. And I hate that feeling. It's one of the hardest for me to cope with...
Not that I expect anyone else to take action on this, because I know in the end it's me and I just need to get over it... I'm trying to figure out who's trying to tell me what with this one, but it's a little more difficult for me to solve this particular puzzle... Perhaps I need to become more independent? Maybe that's what life is trying to tell me this time.
I'm trying to keep my mind and heart open. I'm going to do whatever I have to to get happy. Even if I have to start over from the ground up... I'll do what it takes.
Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting
- Not Now, Blink-182
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Hey Jude
"God has the power to show you who God is."
That's a quote from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. (Which is a great movie btw, if you haven't seen it, you should!). I think it's another way of saying watch yourself, because if you don't, life has a way of reminding you who you are.
So right now, I'm trying to figure out what life's trying to tell me. It seems like it keeps knockin' me... kickin' me while I'm down... I'm trying to decide how I'm supposed to interpret it, and what I did wrong. And if I haven't done anything wrong, maybe I'm just not doing something right. If I'm going to believe that things happen for a reason, it would be nice to, at least, be able to figure that reason out.
It seems like, for the last few months, my life has taken one financially detrimental turn after another... With all this stuff with my millennium scholarship gone awry, my hours at work basically getting massacred, all on top of a vacation that, when I planned it, I could afford but now it's not looking so good... It makes me wonder. I'm trying to find a positive light in this so that at least I can say I learned something...
Maybe life is trying to teach me something about control. And it's a lesson everyone can gain some insight from. You can't control everything that happens to you. And while maybe there are some better choices to be made, sometimes things just happen, and we have to learn to live with that.
I'm the kind of person who gets freaked out on the Ferris wheel because of the way it swings... It's not secured to anything and my feet are really far from the ground... I feel unstable, and that is the scariest feeling in the world for me... Maybe this is life's way of telling me to get over it... Everything in life is unstable. Your world can change in an instant, without warning, and sometimes the change is permanent.
I guess that's how I should look at it. The tests I'm facing are conquerable, and even if I take some really tough hits, and even if I come out of it a little worse for ware, I know there's a way out somewhere. I just need to get my priorities in order, and stay focused. That's gonna be one of the hardest parts for me, I think... Balancing the things I can't do anything about, and keeping the things I CAN do something about foremost in my mind.
Deep breath Malia... You got this.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
- Hey Jude, The Beatles
That's a quote from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. (Which is a great movie btw, if you haven't seen it, you should!). I think it's another way of saying watch yourself, because if you don't, life has a way of reminding you who you are.
So right now, I'm trying to figure out what life's trying to tell me. It seems like it keeps knockin' me... kickin' me while I'm down... I'm trying to decide how I'm supposed to interpret it, and what I did wrong. And if I haven't done anything wrong, maybe I'm just not doing something right. If I'm going to believe that things happen for a reason, it would be nice to, at least, be able to figure that reason out.
It seems like, for the last few months, my life has taken one financially detrimental turn after another... With all this stuff with my millennium scholarship gone awry, my hours at work basically getting massacred, all on top of a vacation that, when I planned it, I could afford but now it's not looking so good... It makes me wonder. I'm trying to find a positive light in this so that at least I can say I learned something...
Maybe life is trying to teach me something about control. And it's a lesson everyone can gain some insight from. You can't control everything that happens to you. And while maybe there are some better choices to be made, sometimes things just happen, and we have to learn to live with that.
I'm the kind of person who gets freaked out on the Ferris wheel because of the way it swings... It's not secured to anything and my feet are really far from the ground... I feel unstable, and that is the scariest feeling in the world for me... Maybe this is life's way of telling me to get over it... Everything in life is unstable. Your world can change in an instant, without warning, and sometimes the change is permanent.
I guess that's how I should look at it. The tests I'm facing are conquerable, and even if I take some really tough hits, and even if I come out of it a little worse for ware, I know there's a way out somewhere. I just need to get my priorities in order, and stay focused. That's gonna be one of the hardest parts for me, I think... Balancing the things I can't do anything about, and keeping the things I CAN do something about foremost in my mind.
Deep breath Malia... You got this.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
- Hey Jude, The Beatles
Monday, October 11, 2010
Dammit
Everyone wants a happy ending... Every single one of us longs to have every aspect our lives fall into neat little niches. We want to be able to tie every little piece up with a cute ribbon and set it up on a shelf where it can be admired.
Unfortunately, I'm a realist. And if you're reading this blog, you don't mind that. In this case, I'm especially addressing the people in our lives, including the people we choose to have in our lives, and the people life chooses for us.
My first question is for the people who choose to have those in their lives that they don't really care for. I've seen numerous instances of individuals or even groups of individuals that will greet a person with kindness and sincerity. They welcome them into their homes and social events and play happy-hunky-dory when that person is around. But then, when that person leaves, there is a stark contrast. They seem to have no end of comment on this person's undesirable qualities when not in their presence. It's an endless cycle. And instead of confronting this person, they wear smiles and sweetness as a facade.
I guess the question that I'm really trying to get to is, Why? Why bother having them around if there are so many things about them that bother you? And is your friendship not misleading? Aren't you carrying out a form of deceit? When you tell one person on thing and someone else another, is that not a lie? Is not withholding the truth almost as good as lying? If not, then isn't telling someone how you feel the right thing to do anyways?
I will admit to being guilty of this on occasion. I think a lot of it is the world I live in, just trying to avoid drama... And part of it is my job. I'm very uninterested in having problems at my place of employment. I go there to work, what more do I need? Nothing, really... But in my personal life this method has given me a great amount of... I would go so far as to say happiness. It relieves me of the burden of having to pretend to care about people I don't. It's rather... refreshing.
And then there's the issue of the people life gives and takes away from you, which is more of a philosophical issue... And more of a confounding one for me. It seems that in some cases, no matter how much you want something to work, it just won't. This may be one of the most frustrating sensations I've ever endured. It confuses me, how quickly people change... or perhaps that's how they always were and it just takes a certain situation to really show their true qualities. It hurts in some sense, because maybe the memory leaves a stain in your head you can't get out... Wishing for something that once was that seems to have dissolved into thin air... The vapor is already gone, there's nothing left to retrieve... Just maybe a faint scent of what used to be.
I feel now... especially... that maybe I've hit some dead-ends with some people and it really sucks. But I can already see the direction they're going and it's away from me... And really there's nothing I can do about that. I can't understand them anymore, and really, they can't understand me. Our lives have become so different in such a short time... It really seems there's nothing for it... It sucks...
I seem to remember reading a quote somewhere about life not giving you the people you want but the people you need to grow... And I feel in a lot of ways, that's true... But I guess in a lot of ways that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Nope. That's what alcohol's for ;)
Regardless, I should definitely be thankful for what I've had and have... I've met some great people who have taught me great things. I know some great people who have shown me that there ARE still good people out there who are willing to work with you. And I've said and am saying goodbye to good and not-as-good people who really showed me who I am and who I want to be.
To all I say one thing: Thank you.
It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
....
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sticks to the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
- Dammit, Blink-182
Unfortunately, I'm a realist. And if you're reading this blog, you don't mind that. In this case, I'm especially addressing the people in our lives, including the people we choose to have in our lives, and the people life chooses for us.
My first question is for the people who choose to have those in their lives that they don't really care for. I've seen numerous instances of individuals or even groups of individuals that will greet a person with kindness and sincerity. They welcome them into their homes and social events and play happy-hunky-dory when that person is around. But then, when that person leaves, there is a stark contrast. They seem to have no end of comment on this person's undesirable qualities when not in their presence. It's an endless cycle. And instead of confronting this person, they wear smiles and sweetness as a facade.
I guess the question that I'm really trying to get to is, Why? Why bother having them around if there are so many things about them that bother you? And is your friendship not misleading? Aren't you carrying out a form of deceit? When you tell one person on thing and someone else another, is that not a lie? Is not withholding the truth almost as good as lying? If not, then isn't telling someone how you feel the right thing to do anyways?
I will admit to being guilty of this on occasion. I think a lot of it is the world I live in, just trying to avoid drama... And part of it is my job. I'm very uninterested in having problems at my place of employment. I go there to work, what more do I need? Nothing, really... But in my personal life this method has given me a great amount of... I would go so far as to say happiness. It relieves me of the burden of having to pretend to care about people I don't. It's rather... refreshing.
And then there's the issue of the people life gives and takes away from you, which is more of a philosophical issue... And more of a confounding one for me. It seems that in some cases, no matter how much you want something to work, it just won't. This may be one of the most frustrating sensations I've ever endured. It confuses me, how quickly people change... or perhaps that's how they always were and it just takes a certain situation to really show their true qualities. It hurts in some sense, because maybe the memory leaves a stain in your head you can't get out... Wishing for something that once was that seems to have dissolved into thin air... The vapor is already gone, there's nothing left to retrieve... Just maybe a faint scent of what used to be.
I feel now... especially... that maybe I've hit some dead-ends with some people and it really sucks. But I can already see the direction they're going and it's away from me... And really there's nothing I can do about that. I can't understand them anymore, and really, they can't understand me. Our lives have become so different in such a short time... It really seems there's nothing for it... It sucks...
I seem to remember reading a quote somewhere about life not giving you the people you want but the people you need to grow... And I feel in a lot of ways, that's true... But I guess in a lot of ways that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Nope. That's what alcohol's for ;)
Regardless, I should definitely be thankful for what I've had and have... I've met some great people who have taught me great things. I know some great people who have shown me that there ARE still good people out there who are willing to work with you. And I've said and am saying goodbye to good and not-as-good people who really showed me who I am and who I want to be.
To all I say one thing: Thank you.
It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
....
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sticks to the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
- Dammit, Blink-182
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Name
Maybe I'm just naive.
Maybe I love too hard too fast too readily.
Maybe I'm too easy used and manipulated.
Or maybe I'm too willing to manipulate just to fuck with people. (That's not a maybe. It's a fact.)
And maybe from now on I'll turn a blind eye, and I'll choose to forget.
Maybe I'll forget who I was
Maybe I'll grow up some more (even though I'm too grown up for a 19-year-old. I should be out making mistakes and doing stupid shit, and whining about problems that don't exist.) I'll start being a real adult and I'll stop expecting anything from anyone because that is the worst idea I've ever had.
Maybe I'll move forward in my life, and become something I wish I wasn't, something I wish I didn't have to be. I will become the shape life has destined for me and I will stop resisting (Giving Up And Growing Old And Hoping There's A God).
That's life I guess~ Moral of The Story Kids: Growing up is a whole bunch of bullshit.
And even though the moment passed me by,
I still can't turn away.
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way,
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away.
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names.
We don't belong to no one.
That's a shame,
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose.
The past is never far.
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast,
And now there's nothing to believe,
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time,
But I don't need the same.
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name.
- Name, Goo Goo Dolls
Maybe I love too hard too fast too readily.
Maybe I'm too easy used and manipulated.
Or maybe I'm too willing to manipulate just to fuck with people. (That's not a maybe. It's a fact.)
And maybe from now on I'll turn a blind eye, and I'll choose to forget.
Maybe I'll forget who I was
Maybe I'll grow up some more (even though I'm too grown up for a 19-year-old. I should be out making mistakes and doing stupid shit, and whining about problems that don't exist.) I'll start being a real adult and I'll stop expecting anything from anyone because that is the worst idea I've ever had.
Maybe I'll move forward in my life, and become something I wish I wasn't, something I wish I didn't have to be. I will become the shape life has destined for me and I will stop resisting (Giving Up And Growing Old And Hoping There's A God).
That's life I guess~ Moral of The Story Kids: Growing up is a whole bunch of bullshit.
And even though the moment passed me by,
I still can't turn away.
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way,
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away.
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names.
We don't belong to no one.
That's a shame,
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose.
The past is never far.
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast,
And now there's nothing to believe,
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time,
But I don't need the same.
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name.
- Name, Goo Goo Dolls
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Haunt You Every Day
Sometimes I don't understand the world I live in.
Supposedly the whole thing, no matter what religion or non-religion you believe in, is held together in some precarious yet perfect balance.
So how is it that so many things in so many people's lives seem so incredibly imbalanced? How is it that so many people suffer insult upon injury when they deserve so much more?
Sometimes I just don't understand the world I live in.
Maybe I'm just much too anxious a person. This is not to say that my problems are anything noteworthy, yet it is to say that every day I find myself conflicted about a ludicrous amount of things. Though lately it's been a reoccurring theme. I feel like, perhaps, I'm the one who has done the most amount of injustice in this world, and I don't know how to make amends. Or in some instances, I feel like I have been the one enduring the injury, yet I still feel perhaps it is my responsibility to piece everything back together.
I feel like I need guidance, and I don't know where to turn.
It's not like me to not handle a problem. It's not like me to sit, stewing in my own emotions. And maybe in recent months I've lost a piece of myself. Maybe that's the reason for all the episodes I've been having lately. Or maybe the reason for those is the fact that I can feel myself slowly crushing my own backbone, giving in to sheer... desperation? "Even if it's a one-way street, it's still a street." - Probably the most pathetic thing I've ever said in my life... Especially in reference to a friendship.
There's no doubt I've been less of myself than I once was.
More and more frequently, when I begin to become concerned about a friend's well-being I stop myself. I tell myself it's none of my business, and I shouldn't get involved. It's like I stifle myself before I get a chance to reach out to the people in my life that I like or even love. It's so selfish of me, as if I've been burned badly enough to warrant turning antisocial.
I guess what I really mean is I don't understand myself.
But in the end, here is my advice to you: Don't let yourself be in relationships that are 100%/75%... You should never give more of yourself to someone than they are willing to give to you. If you can sense it, which if you think about it, I'm sure you can, then get away, or at least pull back. If you don't, you could be in for some serious consequences, and you'll be the only one who gets hurt.
Wow, what an idiot.... This blog sounds a lot more emo than I meant it to XP Ahhh well.
Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
....
When will stupid learn
Fire's gonna burn
Think of consequence
Then you move when its your turn
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
- Haunt you Every Day, Weezer
Supposedly the whole thing, no matter what religion or non-religion you believe in, is held together in some precarious yet perfect balance.
So how is it that so many things in so many people's lives seem so incredibly imbalanced? How is it that so many people suffer insult upon injury when they deserve so much more?
Sometimes I just don't understand the world I live in.
Maybe I'm just much too anxious a person. This is not to say that my problems are anything noteworthy, yet it is to say that every day I find myself conflicted about a ludicrous amount of things. Though lately it's been a reoccurring theme. I feel like, perhaps, I'm the one who has done the most amount of injustice in this world, and I don't know how to make amends. Or in some instances, I feel like I have been the one enduring the injury, yet I still feel perhaps it is my responsibility to piece everything back together.
I feel like I need guidance, and I don't know where to turn.
It's not like me to not handle a problem. It's not like me to sit, stewing in my own emotions. And maybe in recent months I've lost a piece of myself. Maybe that's the reason for all the episodes I've been having lately. Or maybe the reason for those is the fact that I can feel myself slowly crushing my own backbone, giving in to sheer... desperation? "Even if it's a one-way street, it's still a street." - Probably the most pathetic thing I've ever said in my life... Especially in reference to a friendship.
There's no doubt I've been less of myself than I once was.
More and more frequently, when I begin to become concerned about a friend's well-being I stop myself. I tell myself it's none of my business, and I shouldn't get involved. It's like I stifle myself before I get a chance to reach out to the people in my life that I like or even love. It's so selfish of me, as if I've been burned badly enough to warrant turning antisocial.
I guess what I really mean is I don't understand myself.
But in the end, here is my advice to you: Don't let yourself be in relationships that are 100%/75%... You should never give more of yourself to someone than they are willing to give to you. If you can sense it, which if you think about it, I'm sure you can, then get away, or at least pull back. If you don't, you could be in for some serious consequences, and you'll be the only one who gets hurt.
Wow, what an idiot.... This blog sounds a lot more emo than I meant it to XP Ahhh well.
Walking on my own
Leaving you behind
You were crying out
That you need to speak your mind
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
....
When will stupid learn
Fire's gonna burn
Think of consequence
Then you move when its your turn
Ohhh
So alone in love
So alone in love
I'm going to haunt you every day
Haunt you every day
- Haunt you Every Day, Weezer
Saturday, August 7, 2010
There You'll Be
Do you ever get that after-the-storm-sunshine-breaking-through-clouds-feeling?
That is how I feel in this exact moment. Let me tell you why.
I have come to realize that through this twisted and gnarled rollercoaster we call life, we all come across the turns that were to sudden and too fast, or the loops that left us feeling nauseous. In spite of all that, in the end, what really matters is that at the end of the ride, we look back and feel invigorated! No regrets. We had fun.
I am one of those people that has a really difficult time looking ahead, towards the big picture, especially when I'm upset or angry (in other words, I'm not very good at following my own advice). It's an unfortunate aspect of my personality: I dwell first, and then when I'm ready, I'll move forward. I'm not totally convinced there's a cure for it, but I like to think one day I'll grow out of it.
Right now I'm at that re-realization point where I'm starting to feel really good about my life again. I can still see all the twists and turns but I now know that because of some of them, I have discovered myself in a whole new light, and in spite of some of them, I am a more dynamic individual, and I have not allowed myself to be conquered.
My perception of my life is such that I can now notice that a lot of amazing people have come in and out of my existence, and they have all left a piece of themselves with me. I think everyone has those people in their life that they think about often, and no matter how you parted, on terms good or bad, they changed you, they made you who you are, and in some way you love them. Perhaps you don't love them for what they did to you or the kind of person they are, but because they made you more than you were, and maybe at some point they made you happy.
I know now that whatever happens will happen, and if a puzzle piece is built to fit in to your picture, it will. If it isn't, it won't. I also feel like there are some people who are just destined to gravitate to each other, and no matter what happens, in the end you will be tied, even if the situation isn't what you thought it would be.
So I conquered that roller coaster! I'm in one of those strange moods again.... I can't wait to see what happens next! It feels good to know that in the end everything will work out!
Sidenote: I am NOT a fan of Shania Twain. Just sayin.
When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
-There You'll Be, Shania Twain
That is how I feel in this exact moment. Let me tell you why.
I have come to realize that through this twisted and gnarled rollercoaster we call life, we all come across the turns that were to sudden and too fast, or the loops that left us feeling nauseous. In spite of all that, in the end, what really matters is that at the end of the ride, we look back and feel invigorated! No regrets. We had fun.
I am one of those people that has a really difficult time looking ahead, towards the big picture, especially when I'm upset or angry (in other words, I'm not very good at following my own advice). It's an unfortunate aspect of my personality: I dwell first, and then when I'm ready, I'll move forward. I'm not totally convinced there's a cure for it, but I like to think one day I'll grow out of it.
Right now I'm at that re-realization point where I'm starting to feel really good about my life again. I can still see all the twists and turns but I now know that because of some of them, I have discovered myself in a whole new light, and in spite of some of them, I am a more dynamic individual, and I have not allowed myself to be conquered.
My perception of my life is such that I can now notice that a lot of amazing people have come in and out of my existence, and they have all left a piece of themselves with me. I think everyone has those people in their life that they think about often, and no matter how you parted, on terms good or bad, they changed you, they made you who you are, and in some way you love them. Perhaps you don't love them for what they did to you or the kind of person they are, but because they made you more than you were, and maybe at some point they made you happy.
I know now that whatever happens will happen, and if a puzzle piece is built to fit in to your picture, it will. If it isn't, it won't. I also feel like there are some people who are just destined to gravitate to each other, and no matter what happens, in the end you will be tied, even if the situation isn't what you thought it would be.
So I conquered that roller coaster! I'm in one of those strange moods again.... I can't wait to see what happens next! It feels good to know that in the end everything will work out!
Sidenote: I am NOT a fan of Shania Twain. Just sayin.
When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
-There You'll Be, Shania Twain
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Damage In Your Heart
Forgiveness.
What an interesting concept...
I am not the most forgiving person. I've been burned by quite a few people over the span of my very short life... My best friends have stabbed me in the back and lied to me. Maybe that's why I don't handle disappointment very well anymore, and I'm sure that's why I don't forgive easily.
How do you know when to stop forgiving? How do you know when you've given someone too many chances and it's just time to walk away? How do you know when it's time to let the other person be the one to try just a little harder? Jesus said you are to forgive your fellow 77 times. Of course what he was really trying to get at was, who is even going to bother counting that high? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes and missteps, but it would also seem to defy common sense to be infinitely forgiving and constantly merciful. And that is why I ask, where do you draw the line?
This is a discussion I have had with my dearest love on many occasions. Sometimes I am too lenient, and at others I am too harsh. It's hard for me to tell when I'm being which and how to balance myself. In this particular case, in which I feel I may retain my right to be hurt and angry, I am extremely lost as to how to react. Am I supposed to apologize for having those feelings? Should I be the one to make the first step in mending the relationship?
The Strong Woman in me rages against the idea, and demands that I stand up for myself. She feels that if I continually allow myself to be put in this position I will become a figurative doormat, and I will forever be the one expending my energy to make things right. She feels I deserve better.
And while the Good Friend in me acknowledges that, and also feels that I should never allow myself to be treated that way, she also feels that I should do whatever it takes. She desperately wants to believe that it will be worth it in the end, and if I just suck it up just one more time everything will turn out for the best.
With these two parts of me at war, it makes my head a very complicated place to dwell. I want to walk away, but I don't really. I want to make it better, but I feel as though it is no longer my responsiblity. I want the end result to be positive, but when someone says or does something that crosses a line, is it really wise to allow things to be resolved as they always have?
I'm so confused... And underneath all of this confusion and rage lies this bleeding, festering wound that just aches and aches and aches...
I could really use some divine guidance right now >< But he hasn't written me back this week, so we'll see what happens.
One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the World
One more loss
In a losing life
Doesn't hurt so bad
Anymore
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
- Weezer, The Damage in Your Heart
What an interesting concept...
I am not the most forgiving person. I've been burned by quite a few people over the span of my very short life... My best friends have stabbed me in the back and lied to me. Maybe that's why I don't handle disappointment very well anymore, and I'm sure that's why I don't forgive easily.
How do you know when to stop forgiving? How do you know when you've given someone too many chances and it's just time to walk away? How do you know when it's time to let the other person be the one to try just a little harder? Jesus said you are to forgive your fellow 77 times. Of course what he was really trying to get at was, who is even going to bother counting that high? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes and missteps, but it would also seem to defy common sense to be infinitely forgiving and constantly merciful. And that is why I ask, where do you draw the line?
This is a discussion I have had with my dearest love on many occasions. Sometimes I am too lenient, and at others I am too harsh. It's hard for me to tell when I'm being which and how to balance myself. In this particular case, in which I feel I may retain my right to be hurt and angry, I am extremely lost as to how to react. Am I supposed to apologize for having those feelings? Should I be the one to make the first step in mending the relationship?
The Strong Woman in me rages against the idea, and demands that I stand up for myself. She feels that if I continually allow myself to be put in this position I will become a figurative doormat, and I will forever be the one expending my energy to make things right. She feels I deserve better.
And while the Good Friend in me acknowledges that, and also feels that I should never allow myself to be treated that way, she also feels that I should do whatever it takes. She desperately wants to believe that it will be worth it in the end, and if I just suck it up just one more time everything will turn out for the best.
With these two parts of me at war, it makes my head a very complicated place to dwell. I want to walk away, but I don't really. I want to make it better, but I feel as though it is no longer my responsiblity. I want the end result to be positive, but when someone says or does something that crosses a line, is it really wise to allow things to be resolved as they always have?
I'm so confused... And underneath all of this confusion and rage lies this bleeding, festering wound that just aches and aches and aches...
I could really use some divine guidance right now >< But he hasn't written me back this week, so we'll see what happens.
One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the World
One more loss
In a losing life
Doesn't hurt so bad
Anymore
Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
- Weezer, The Damage in Your Heart
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Down
God Awful Weeks.
I know we've all had them...
Well... This was my turn through the ringer. I know there are so many other people with bigger problems than mine, but all the ridiculous things that have happened this week plus raging out-of-control hormones have just made it... hellacious.
So, like numerous horrible things, it all started in Fallon. A very close family-friend's father passed away. He also happened to be one of my former coworkers. He was a very nice man, with a fantastic sense of humor, and so many amazing stories (including stories about blowing things up XD Yup!). And he was so intelligent! It doesn't compute for me... that he's gone. It doesn't make sense, considering I saw him not that long ago and he was fine! He was alive and well... I remember the last time I saw him I had just stopped by the shop for a few minutes... When I left I gave him a hug... He was such a great person... Sometimes I just don't understand why the world has to work the way it does... Not even a little bit.
And of course, that day was also supposed to be Haly's 18th birthday.
It was SUPPOSED to be. It should have been. She was an amazing person too... And I regret every day that she probably didn't know I felt that way. I'm so selfish. I live every day with this horrible guilt for not calling... for not making that tiny effort to just show her and her family that I was thinking of her... It was like I tried to make up for it after the fact, but you can never undo that sort of thing... You can never fix that type of negligence... I thought the world of her. I thought she was one of the most kick-assnest kids I had met in a very long time. She made me laugh and she made me proud... I will always have the memory of her solo and ensemble piece... It was the first time I had ever heard that song... And it was the first time I'd ever really seen Haly sing an honest solo... It was beautiful and sweet and somehow haunting... It was a privalege to be there. And I never told her.
And of course, there's all this drama in Fallon right now... Choir kids vs. Mormons, if you will. And now I'm more confused than ever. I have a sneaking suspicion of how all of this has gotten as far as it has, now... I see the situation clearly, but somehow it has left me more out-of-sorts than before... Being in the dead center of the carnage is a really frustrating place to be, especially when you know some of the things I do. I wish I could fix all of it and make it better.... People talk about it like it's just going to blow over, but this has and is going to continue to fuck up people's lives. And it's even more frustrating when you know it's over something that's just not worth it in the end. Period. No way.
And that was just Tuesday.
The worst part about all this is trying to pour your heart out to someone and being totally blown off. It's actually pretty heartbreaking.
And of course there are only a million other things happening right now. We're trying to get ready to move into our new apartment. We're trying to get ready to go on vacation. Have both been major causes of stress, considering it was a hell of a time trying to work things out with the leasing agent at the new place, and the place we're in is going to require so much work... Cleaning this place is going to be a real pain, considering we have to get the carpets cleaned and the shower is... a beast... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry ><>
Our vacation has become something of a beast as well... Nothing seems to be working out right, and it's costing more money than I intended... Plus because of the move there's going to be a lot more money owed when we get back than we intended... Especially because the new leasing agent took so damn long, and now we're going to have to have our rent prorated to match our 30-days..
And then there's work. It's stressful enough anyways, without all this other stuff going on too, but sometimes I wonder how it's possible for the shit to so thoroughly hit the fan. Saturday was basically the worst workday I've ever had in my life... One of our residents was having a particularly confused day. She was calling for help like she was being tortured, she thought our caregivers were trying to drug her, and she was looking for her husband who has been dead for 2 years. I was talking to her, when I turned to address another resident. She promptly threw the water in her cup down the front of me, before turning to huck the cup across my desk. Now... maybe this seems a small thing to you, but I'm walked on all the time at work. This particular expression of utter disrespect made me intensely angry. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it cool for as long as I did, but eventually I had to excuse myself so I could walk... and of course, cry. It's my first reaction when I get angry... And of course every time I ran into a supervisor, I cried. Not only had I been humiliated by a resident, but I only further humiliated myself by bawling like a baby... It was terrible...
And then there's this. Yes, this. And maybe this is the smallest thing of all, and maybe if I was a good friend, I wouldn't care. But you know what? All I have to say is WHY does this have to be the cherry on top of an already extremely fucked up week? WHY?
So Emil is the only person who's actually listened to me babble without basically blowing me off... Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you know? I talk to him all the time.... I would be nice to not feel so totally alone right now...
And maybe my complaints are about things that are so very infinitesimally small that I really shouldn't be complaining, but you know what? YOU try handling all this stuff at once and tell me how you deal.
Fuck.Everything.
"Tidal waves they
Rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn
Cold and Sad
Pick me up now
I need you so bad
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so"
- Down, Blink 182
I know we've all had them...
Well... This was my turn through the ringer. I know there are so many other people with bigger problems than mine, but all the ridiculous things that have happened this week plus raging out-of-control hormones have just made it... hellacious.
So, like numerous horrible things, it all started in Fallon. A very close family-friend's father passed away. He also happened to be one of my former coworkers. He was a very nice man, with a fantastic sense of humor, and so many amazing stories (including stories about blowing things up XD Yup!). And he was so intelligent! It doesn't compute for me... that he's gone. It doesn't make sense, considering I saw him not that long ago and he was fine! He was alive and well... I remember the last time I saw him I had just stopped by the shop for a few minutes... When I left I gave him a hug... He was such a great person... Sometimes I just don't understand why the world has to work the way it does... Not even a little bit.
And of course, that day was also supposed to be Haly's 18th birthday.
It was SUPPOSED to be. It should have been. She was an amazing person too... And I regret every day that she probably didn't know I felt that way. I'm so selfish. I live every day with this horrible guilt for not calling... for not making that tiny effort to just show her and her family that I was thinking of her... It was like I tried to make up for it after the fact, but you can never undo that sort of thing... You can never fix that type of negligence... I thought the world of her. I thought she was one of the most kick-assnest kids I had met in a very long time. She made me laugh and she made me proud... I will always have the memory of her solo and ensemble piece... It was the first time I had ever heard that song... And it was the first time I'd ever really seen Haly sing an honest solo... It was beautiful and sweet and somehow haunting... It was a privalege to be there. And I never told her.
And of course, there's all this drama in Fallon right now... Choir kids vs. Mormons, if you will. And now I'm more confused than ever. I have a sneaking suspicion of how all of this has gotten as far as it has, now... I see the situation clearly, but somehow it has left me more out-of-sorts than before... Being in the dead center of the carnage is a really frustrating place to be, especially when you know some of the things I do. I wish I could fix all of it and make it better.... People talk about it like it's just going to blow over, but this has and is going to continue to fuck up people's lives. And it's even more frustrating when you know it's over something that's just not worth it in the end. Period. No way.
And that was just Tuesday.
The worst part about all this is trying to pour your heart out to someone and being totally blown off. It's actually pretty heartbreaking.
And of course there are only a million other things happening right now. We're trying to get ready to move into our new apartment. We're trying to get ready to go on vacation. Have both been major causes of stress, considering it was a hell of a time trying to work things out with the leasing agent at the new place, and the place we're in is going to require so much work... Cleaning this place is going to be a real pain, considering we have to get the carpets cleaned and the shower is... a beast... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry ><>
Our vacation has become something of a beast as well... Nothing seems to be working out right, and it's costing more money than I intended... Plus because of the move there's going to be a lot more money owed when we get back than we intended... Especially because the new leasing agent took so damn long, and now we're going to have to have our rent prorated to match our 30-days..
And then there's work. It's stressful enough anyways, without all this other stuff going on too, but sometimes I wonder how it's possible for the shit to so thoroughly hit the fan. Saturday was basically the worst workday I've ever had in my life... One of our residents was having a particularly confused day. She was calling for help like she was being tortured, she thought our caregivers were trying to drug her, and she was looking for her husband who has been dead for 2 years. I was talking to her, when I turned to address another resident. She promptly threw the water in her cup down the front of me, before turning to huck the cup across my desk. Now... maybe this seems a small thing to you, but I'm walked on all the time at work. This particular expression of utter disrespect made me intensely angry. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it cool for as long as I did, but eventually I had to excuse myself so I could walk... and of course, cry. It's my first reaction when I get angry... And of course every time I ran into a supervisor, I cried. Not only had I been humiliated by a resident, but I only further humiliated myself by bawling like a baby... It was terrible...
And then there's this. Yes, this. And maybe this is the smallest thing of all, and maybe if I was a good friend, I wouldn't care. But you know what? All I have to say is WHY does this have to be the cherry on top of an already extremely fucked up week? WHY?
So Emil is the only person who's actually listened to me babble without basically blowing me off... Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you know? I talk to him all the time.... I would be nice to not feel so totally alone right now...
And maybe my complaints are about things that are so very infinitesimally small that I really shouldn't be complaining, but you know what? YOU try handling all this stuff at once and tell me how you deal.
Fuck.Everything.
"Tidal waves they
Rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn
Cold and Sad
Pick me up now
I need you so bad
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so"
- Down, Blink 182
Monday, July 12, 2010
All The Small Things
As of this past Saturday, July 10th, we are officially packing up our current apartment to move a new one. Of course... Packing entails going through the stuff we've accumulated over the past year and, in some cases, the stuff we've accumulated over our two lifetimes. As I'm going through everything, including at least one box I never unpacked from our LAST move, I feel myself overcome with a sense of bittersweetness and even a little bit of homesickness.
As I unpack to repack this one box that's been sitting in my hallway for over 11 months, I relive memories that have been burried in the dusty corridors of the back of my head. Little trinkets and things that decorated a graduation cake long-consumed have collected quite a film of dirt on them (I am in the middle of desert after all) and would probably serve a better cause either in a trash or in a yard sale. But for some reason, I can't make myself part with them.
How is it that it's been a year since I graduated? How did I let that happen? How did I let all the events between then and now happen? How is it that all the fun and innocence and the high-spirited carefree moments seem so far away? Why does it feel like it all happened ages ago? And why can't I go back?
The world feels so heavy once you're out into it. I wish I could go back and relive the moments where the world seemed so full of possibilities. I will always value the place in my memories, after I knew my college was payed for, and before I actually had to go. It sounds silly, and childish, and selfish, but those are memories I believe I will always treasure above all else. Recently I was asked when the time I remember being the happiest was, and I answered last summer. I now clearly understand why.
The world is a much scarier place than I originally believed it to be.
Not to say I'm not looking ahead, because I am... I want to get back to that place where I don't have to worry so much and life doesn't seem like such a heavy burden... I believe I'll get there...
One day.
"All the small things
Truth care, truth brings
I'll take one lift
Your ride, best trip
Always I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, Waiting
Comiserating
Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home
Late night, Come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares
Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home
Keep your head still
I'll be your thrill
The night will go on
My Little windmill"
As I unpack to repack this one box that's been sitting in my hallway for over 11 months, I relive memories that have been burried in the dusty corridors of the back of my head. Little trinkets and things that decorated a graduation cake long-consumed have collected quite a film of dirt on them (I am in the middle of desert after all) and would probably serve a better cause either in a trash or in a yard sale. But for some reason, I can't make myself part with them.
How is it that it's been a year since I graduated? How did I let that happen? How did I let all the events between then and now happen? How is it that all the fun and innocence and the high-spirited carefree moments seem so far away? Why does it feel like it all happened ages ago? And why can't I go back?
The world feels so heavy once you're out into it. I wish I could go back and relive the moments where the world seemed so full of possibilities. I will always value the place in my memories, after I knew my college was payed for, and before I actually had to go. It sounds silly, and childish, and selfish, but those are memories I believe I will always treasure above all else. Recently I was asked when the time I remember being the happiest was, and I answered last summer. I now clearly understand why.
The world is a much scarier place than I originally believed it to be.
Not to say I'm not looking ahead, because I am... I want to get back to that place where I don't have to worry so much and life doesn't seem like such a heavy burden... I believe I'll get there...
One day.
"All the small things
Truth care, truth brings
I'll take one lift
Your ride, best trip
Always I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, Waiting
Comiserating
Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home
Late night, Come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares
Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home
Keep your head still
I'll be your thrill
The night will go on
My Little windmill"
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Heart Songs
So I'm starting this blog here because writing a million notes on facebook is obnoxious and myspace blogging is rendered pointless by the fact that no one uses it anymore. It also helps that, for some odd reason, I have a silly fascination with putting my thoughts down on things... And I'm really looking forward to have something on which to hone my vocabulary and other writing skills... Meaning I will try to keep this blog less pointless, and more meaningful.
So, with the irony of what I just said lingering boldly on the page, let me tell you a bit about who I (think) I am (a.ka. mindless blathering).
I would like to start by saying, I am an extremely flawed individual. I will probably say things in this blog that you will find absurd. I tend overreact and I feel too much too quickly, without thinking ahead. I'm trying to get better about that... My biggest worries are always my loved ones and money. I love making people happy and I fret when I think the people I care about may be in pain or discomfort, even... And then of course, money is a worry for everyone. This combination, however, leads me to a rather paralyzing condundrum... I love being generous to the ones I care about but spending money kind of freaks me out >< Try to solve THAT one...
I love intensely. Don't be my friend if you can't handle me being worried about you. I tend to speak my mind amply, without being prompted and I don't always have nice things to say. I WILL tell you if I think you're being stupid. It's not that I'm trying to me mean or abrasive or anything like that... It's just that you really should know, it's for your own good. You can say nothing about me if not that I'm honest... Even if it is to a fault sometimes...
I am with the most wonderful man on the earth <3 And I intend to spend the rest of my life with him.
I hate raw meat. I refuse to touch it. I love pepsi <3 It's delicious. Twilight is maybe the worst thing to happen to our society as a whole (I'll probably go in depth on this in another blog entry... I tend to get very ranty on the subject). I like to party, but it's not my focus. There are other things that are more important. I strongly feel it is EXTREMELY important to have a focus in your life. It's too easy to get lost through the years without one. Mac and Cheese will forever have a place in my heart. Thought, really, I just love food. I LOVE music.
I grew up too fast, but I am still a child in so many ways, and so very capable of making mistakes... This frustrates me to no end, as I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I have very high expecations of myself. I pride myself on being a hardworker, but at the same time, I am INCREDIBLY lazy... I seriously astound myself sometimes....
I believe all writers are at least somewhat narcissistic. I guess that makes me a narcissist...
Just in case all this mindless blathering didn't tell you that...
"These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singin'"
- Heart Songs, Weezer
So, with the irony of what I just said lingering boldly on the page, let me tell you a bit about who I (think) I am (a.ka. mindless blathering).
I would like to start by saying, I am an extremely flawed individual. I will probably say things in this blog that you will find absurd. I tend overreact and I feel too much too quickly, without thinking ahead. I'm trying to get better about that... My biggest worries are always my loved ones and money. I love making people happy and I fret when I think the people I care about may be in pain or discomfort, even... And then of course, money is a worry for everyone. This combination, however, leads me to a rather paralyzing condundrum... I love being generous to the ones I care about but spending money kind of freaks me out >< Try to solve THAT one...
I love intensely. Don't be my friend if you can't handle me being worried about you. I tend to speak my mind amply, without being prompted and I don't always have nice things to say. I WILL tell you if I think you're being stupid. It's not that I'm trying to me mean or abrasive or anything like that... It's just that you really should know, it's for your own good. You can say nothing about me if not that I'm honest... Even if it is to a fault sometimes...
I am with the most wonderful man on the earth <3 And I intend to spend the rest of my life with him.
I hate raw meat. I refuse to touch it. I love pepsi <3 It's delicious. Twilight is maybe the worst thing to happen to our society as a whole (I'll probably go in depth on this in another blog entry... I tend to get very ranty on the subject). I like to party, but it's not my focus. There are other things that are more important. I strongly feel it is EXTREMELY important to have a focus in your life. It's too easy to get lost through the years without one. Mac and Cheese will forever have a place in my heart. Thought, really, I just love food. I LOVE music.
I grew up too fast, but I am still a child in so many ways, and so very capable of making mistakes... This frustrates me to no end, as I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I have very high expecations of myself. I pride myself on being a hardworker, but at the same time, I am INCREDIBLY lazy... I seriously astound myself sometimes....
I believe all writers are at least somewhat narcissistic. I guess that makes me a narcissist...
Just in case all this mindless blathering didn't tell you that...
"These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singin'"
- Heart Songs, Weezer
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