Black Sheep

I don't really know how to start this...

One.Two.Three.Go.

God doesn't always give you the people you want. But he will give you the people that you need...

My philosophy is God gives you the people who will make you who you are. And sometimes he gives you the people who will show you exactly who you don't want to be.

Sometimes I look back and I think, 'I could have said this, THAT would've been satisfying.' I guess in some ways the me now is somehow less mature than the me of back then. I'm not really sure if I would change anything if I was put back in that situation, or if I something similar happened to me today that I would say really immature, terrible things... But it's a thought.

Something else that's been on my mind lately... Sometimes life gives you pills that are hard to swallow, and it doesn't offer you anything to take it down with. Starting over is hard, but maybe that's what we all need from time to time... A fresh start.

I tend to get this urge to just run away and never look back. I know the reason for this is that I'm not completely secure in any of my relationships... and that's my fault. But in the end, I'm looking for a two-way street. I'm looking to know that you care as much about me as I do about you. I need that kind of reassurance.

And trust is essential. It can't just be one person trusting the other, either... You have to trust each other equally. I have a history of trusting too much, too quickly... And I know it's because I'm desperate to see something that's not necessarily there... So I'm starting to think maybe it's time to pull back. It's moments like that I just want to be alone, because people are complicated and relationships are hard. My energy stores were depleted a long time ago, so I don't have all that much to give anymore. If I'm going to have to start at square one all over again, I might as well drop it and find new people... I've not really done anything to prove myself untrustworthy, so I think I deserve better.

And I guess that's part of the problem... Trying to figure out what I deserve and what I need to work harder for in order to attain... And sometimes it's hard enough to figure out if the work is worth it.

-sigh- It sucks... But like I've said before... I guess it's all part of growing up....



Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again

I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you
- Black Sheep, Metric