Not Now

My philosophy has always been that if you find yourself at a place in your life where you are unhappy, do whatever it takes to get happy. Simple as that. Get.Happy.

So here I am. Not to say my home life, isn't wonderful, because it is. I have the man of my dreams, and what else could I possibly ask for, right? Well I have a confession.

Now hang on to your seats, folks, because this may come as a shock to some of you. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? Okay, here it comes...

A romance isn't everything.

I know, that probably threw you for a loop, but that's the truth of it. Emil fulfills such a huge part of my life, and he is my BEST FRIEND, but what it comes down to is that it's still just part. To have the whole of it, there's more out there, and friends are equal to lovers. And let's be realistic here, for the vast majority of those in not-totally-committed relationships, friends are MORE important than lovers, because they don't come and go as frequently.

But to come back to the point, while I do have a lot of happiness and so much to be thankful for... These days I find myself often lonely. It seems like when I start to get close to people, they're suddenly not in my life anymore, or are just far away, physically. Relationships require effort anyways, so when you're hundreds of miles from the people you care about, it tends to change the dynamic of the relationship a bit. With determination, it can be made to work... but it has to go both ways, and that's not always the case.

And perhaps this is what makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world. I can't even count how many times I put up that codependency video by Chris Crocker. I know that I should be able to make me happy. That I should be enough to feel loved and whole. But it turns out... I feed off of others and their support. For a very long time, I have been sustained by my friends. Not my family. Not men. My friends. So when I have a lot of people I really care about go away all at once... it's a very difficult experience for me to handle. I feel very isolated and... well... lonely. And I hate that feeling. It's one of the hardest for me to cope with...

Not that I expect anyone else to take action on this, because I know in the end it's me and I just need to get over it... I'm trying to figure out who's trying to tell me what with this one, but it's a little more difficult for me to solve this particular puzzle... Perhaps I need to become more independent? Maybe that's what life is trying to tell me this time.

I'm trying to keep my mind and heart open. I'm going to do whatever I have to to get happy. Even if I have to start over from the ground up... I'll do what it takes.




Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting

- Not Now, Blink-182