Dammit

Everyone wants a happy ending... Every single one of us longs to have every aspect our lives fall into neat little niches. We want to be able to tie every little piece up with a cute ribbon and set it up on a shelf where it can be admired.

Unfortunately, I'm a realist. And if you're reading this blog, you don't mind that. In this case, I'm especially addressing the people in our lives, including the people we choose to have in our lives, and the people life chooses for us.

My first question is for the people who choose to have those in their lives that they don't really care for. I've seen numerous instances of individuals or even groups of individuals that will greet a person with kindness and sincerity. They welcome them into their homes and social events and play happy-hunky-dory when that person is around. But then, when that person leaves, there is a stark contrast. They seem to have no end of comment on this person's undesirable qualities when not in their presence. It's an endless cycle. And instead of confronting this person, they wear smiles and sweetness as a facade.

I guess the question that I'm really trying to get to is, Why? Why bother having them around if there are so many things about them that bother you? And is your friendship not misleading? Aren't you carrying out a form of deceit? When you tell one person on thing and someone else another, is that not a lie? Is not withholding the truth almost as good as lying? If not, then isn't telling someone how you feel the right thing to do anyways?

I will admit to being guilty of this on occasion. I think a lot of it is the world I live in, just trying to avoid drama... And part of it is my job. I'm very uninterested in having problems at my place of employment. I go there to work, what more do I need? Nothing, really... But in my personal life this method has given me a great amount of... I would go so far as to say happiness. It relieves me of the burden of having to pretend to care about people I don't. It's rather... refreshing.

And then there's the issue of the people life gives and takes away from you, which is more of a philosophical issue... And more of a confounding one for me. It seems that in some cases, no matter how much you want something to work, it just won't. This may be one of the most frustrating sensations I've ever endured. It confuses me, how quickly people change... or perhaps that's how they always were and it just takes a certain situation to really show their true qualities. It hurts in some sense, because maybe the memory leaves a stain in your head you can't get out... Wishing for something that once was that seems to have dissolved into thin air... The vapor is already gone, there's nothing left to retrieve... Just maybe a faint scent of what used to be.

I feel now... especially... that maybe I've hit some dead-ends with some people and it really sucks. But I can already see the direction they're going and it's away from me... And really there's nothing I can do about that. I can't understand them anymore, and really, they can't understand me. Our lives have become so different in such a short time... It really seems there's nothing for it... It sucks...

I seem to remember reading a quote somewhere about life not giving you the people you want but the people you need to grow... And I feel in a lot of ways, that's true... But I guess in a lot of ways that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Nope. That's what alcohol's for ;)

Regardless, I should definitely be thankful for what I've had and have... I've met some great people who have taught me great things. I know some great people who have shown me that there ARE still good people out there who are willing to work with you. And I've said and am saying goodbye to good and not-as-good people who really showed me who I am and who I want to be.

To all I say one thing: Thank you.


It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
....

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sticks to the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up

- Dammit, Blink-182