Down

God Awful Weeks.

I know we've all had them...

Well... This was my turn through the ringer. I know there are so many other people with bigger problems than mine, but all the ridiculous things that have happened this week plus raging out-of-control hormones have just made it... hellacious.

So, like numerous horrible things, it all started in Fallon. A very close family-friend's father passed away. He also happened to be one of my former coworkers. He was a very nice man, with a fantastic sense of humor, and so many amazing stories (including stories about blowing things up XD Yup!). And he was so intelligent! It doesn't compute for me... that he's gone. It doesn't make sense, considering I saw him not that long ago and he was fine! He was alive and well... I remember the last time I saw him I had just stopped by the shop for a few minutes... When I left I gave him a hug... He was such a great person... Sometimes I just don't understand why the world has to work the way it does... Not even a little bit.

And of course, that day was also supposed to be Haly's 18th birthday.

It was SUPPOSED to be. It should have been. She was an amazing person too... And I regret every day that she probably didn't know I felt that way. I'm so selfish. I live every day with this horrible guilt for not calling... for not making that tiny effort to just show her and her family that I was thinking of her... It was like I tried to make up for it after the fact, but you can never undo that sort of thing... You can never fix that type of negligence... I thought the world of her. I thought she was one of the most kick-assnest kids I had met in a very long time. She made me laugh and she made me proud... I will always have the memory of her solo and ensemble piece... It was the first time I had ever heard that song... And it was the first time I'd ever really seen Haly sing an honest solo... It was beautiful and sweet and somehow haunting... It was a privalege to be there. And I never told her.

And of course, there's all this drama in Fallon right now... Choir kids vs. Mormons, if you will. And now I'm more confused than ever. I have a sneaking suspicion of how all of this has gotten as far as it has, now... I see the situation clearly, but somehow it has left me more out-of-sorts than before... Being in the dead center of the carnage is a really frustrating place to be, especially when you know some of the things I do. I wish I could fix all of it and make it better.... People talk about it like it's just going to blow over, but this has and is going to continue to fuck up people's lives. And it's even more frustrating when you know it's over something that's just not worth it in the end. Period. No way.

And that was just Tuesday.

The worst part about all this is trying to pour your heart out to someone and being totally blown off. It's actually pretty heartbreaking.

And of course there are only a million other things happening right now. We're trying to get ready to move into our new apartment. We're trying to get ready to go on vacation. Have both been major causes of stress, considering it was a hell of a time trying to work things out with the leasing agent at the new place, and the place we're in is going to require so much work... Cleaning this place is going to be a real pain, considering we have to get the carpets cleaned and the shower is... a beast... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry ><>

Our vacation has become something of a beast as well... Nothing seems to be working out right, and it's costing more money than I intended... Plus because of the move there's going to be a lot more money owed when we get back than we intended... Especially because the new leasing agent took so damn long, and now we're going to have to have our rent prorated to match our 30-days..

And then there's work. It's stressful enough anyways, without all this other stuff going on too, but sometimes I wonder how it's possible for the shit to so thoroughly hit the fan. Saturday was basically the worst workday I've ever had in my life... One of our residents was having a particularly confused day. She was calling for help like she was being tortured, she thought our caregivers were trying to drug her, and she was looking for her husband who has been dead for 2 years. I was talking to her, when I turned to address another resident. She promptly threw the water in her cup down the front of me, before turning to huck the cup across my desk. Now... maybe this seems a small thing to you, but I'm walked on all the time at work. This particular expression of utter disrespect made me intensely angry. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it cool for as long as I did, but eventually I had to excuse myself so I could walk... and of course, cry. It's my first reaction when I get angry... And of course every time I ran into a supervisor, I cried. Not only had I been humiliated by a resident, but I only further humiliated myself by bawling like a baby... It was terrible...

And then there's this. Yes, this. And maybe this is the smallest thing of all, and maybe if I was a good friend, I wouldn't care. But you know what? All I have to say is WHY does this have to be the cherry on top of an already extremely fucked up week? WHY?

So Emil is the only person who's actually listened to me babble without basically blowing me off... Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you know? I talk to him all the time.... I would be nice to not feel so totally alone right now...

And maybe my complaints are about things that are so very infinitesimally small that I really shouldn't be complaining, but you know what? YOU try handling all this stuff at once and tell me how you deal.

Fuck.Everything.


"Tidal waves they
Rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn
Cold and Sad
Pick me up now
I need you so bad

Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so"

- Down, Blink 182