The Damage In Your Heart

Forgiveness.

What an interesting concept...

I am not the most forgiving person. I've been burned by quite a few people over the span of my very short life... My best friends have stabbed me in the back and lied to me. Maybe that's why I don't handle disappointment very well anymore, and I'm sure that's why I don't forgive easily.

How do you know when to stop forgiving? How do you know when you've given someone too many chances and it's just time to walk away? How do you know when it's time to let the other person be the one to try just a little harder? Jesus said you are to forgive your fellow 77 times. Of course what he was really trying to get at was, who is even going to bother counting that high? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes and missteps, but it would also seem to defy common sense to be infinitely forgiving and constantly merciful. And that is why I ask, where do you draw the line?

This is a discussion I have had with my dearest love on many occasions. Sometimes I am too lenient, and at others I am too harsh. It's hard for me to tell when I'm being which and how to balance myself. In this particular case, in which I feel I may retain my right to be hurt and angry, I am extremely lost as to how to react. Am I supposed to apologize for having those feelings? Should I be the one to make the first step in mending the relationship?

The Strong Woman in me rages against the idea, and demands that I stand up for myself. She feels that if I continually allow myself to be put in this position I will become a figurative doormat, and I will forever be the one expending my energy to make things right. She feels I deserve better.

And while the Good Friend in me acknowledges that, and also feels that I should never allow myself to be treated that way, she also feels that I should do whatever it takes. She desperately wants to believe that it will be worth it in the end, and if I just suck it up just one more time everything will turn out for the best.

With these two parts of me at war, it makes my head a very complicated place to dwell. I want to walk away, but I don't really. I want to make it better, but I feel as though it is no longer my responsiblity. I want the end result to be positive, but when someone says or does something that crosses a line, is it really wise to allow things to be resolved as they always have?

I'm so confused... And underneath all of this confusion and rage lies this bleeding, festering wound that just aches and aches and aches...

I could really use some divine guidance right now >< But he hasn't written me back this week, so we'll see what happens.



One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the World

One more loss
In a losing life
Doesn't hurt so bad
Anymore

Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel

- Weezer, The Damage in Your Heart