My philosophy has always been that if you find yourself at a place in your life where you are unhappy, do whatever it takes to get happy. Simple as that. Get.Happy.
So here I am. Not to say my home life, isn't wonderful, because it is. I have the man of my dreams, and what else could I possibly ask for, right? Well I have a confession.
Now hang on to your seats, folks, because this may come as a shock to some of you. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? Okay, here it comes...
A romance isn't everything.
I know, that probably threw you for a loop, but that's the truth of it. Emil fulfills such a huge part of my life, and he is my BEST FRIEND, but what it comes down to is that it's still just part. To have the whole of it, there's more out there, and friends are equal to lovers. And let's be realistic here, for the vast majority of those in not-totally-committed relationships, friends are MORE important than lovers, because they don't come and go as frequently.
But to come back to the point, while I do have a lot of happiness and so much to be thankful for... These days I find myself often lonely. It seems like when I start to get close to people, they're suddenly not in my life anymore, or are just far away, physically. Relationships require effort anyways, so when you're hundreds of miles from the people you care about, it tends to change the dynamic of the relationship a bit. With determination, it can be made to work... but it has to go both ways, and that's not always the case.
And perhaps this is what makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world. I can't even count how many times I put up that codependency video by Chris Crocker. I know that I should be able to make me happy. That I should be enough to feel loved and whole. But it turns out... I feed off of others and their support. For a very long time, I have been sustained by my friends. Not my family. Not men. My friends. So when I have a lot of people I really care about go away all at once... it's a very difficult experience for me to handle. I feel very isolated and... well... lonely. And I hate that feeling. It's one of the hardest for me to cope with...
Not that I expect anyone else to take action on this, because I know in the end it's me and I just need to get over it... I'm trying to figure out who's trying to tell me what with this one, but it's a little more difficult for me to solve this particular puzzle... Perhaps I need to become more independent? Maybe that's what life is trying to tell me this time.
I'm trying to keep my mind and heart open. I'm going to do whatever I have to to get happy. Even if I have to start over from the ground up... I'll do what it takes.
Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting
- Not Now, Blink-182
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Hey Jude
"God has the power to show you who God is."
That's a quote from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. (Which is a great movie btw, if you haven't seen it, you should!). I think it's another way of saying watch yourself, because if you don't, life has a way of reminding you who you are.
So right now, I'm trying to figure out what life's trying to tell me. It seems like it keeps knockin' me... kickin' me while I'm down... I'm trying to decide how I'm supposed to interpret it, and what I did wrong. And if I haven't done anything wrong, maybe I'm just not doing something right. If I'm going to believe that things happen for a reason, it would be nice to, at least, be able to figure that reason out.
It seems like, for the last few months, my life has taken one financially detrimental turn after another... With all this stuff with my millennium scholarship gone awry, my hours at work basically getting massacred, all on top of a vacation that, when I planned it, I could afford but now it's not looking so good... It makes me wonder. I'm trying to find a positive light in this so that at least I can say I learned something...
Maybe life is trying to teach me something about control. And it's a lesson everyone can gain some insight from. You can't control everything that happens to you. And while maybe there are some better choices to be made, sometimes things just happen, and we have to learn to live with that.
I'm the kind of person who gets freaked out on the Ferris wheel because of the way it swings... It's not secured to anything and my feet are really far from the ground... I feel unstable, and that is the scariest feeling in the world for me... Maybe this is life's way of telling me to get over it... Everything in life is unstable. Your world can change in an instant, without warning, and sometimes the change is permanent.
I guess that's how I should look at it. The tests I'm facing are conquerable, and even if I take some really tough hits, and even if I come out of it a little worse for ware, I know there's a way out somewhere. I just need to get my priorities in order, and stay focused. That's gonna be one of the hardest parts for me, I think... Balancing the things I can't do anything about, and keeping the things I CAN do something about foremost in my mind.
Deep breath Malia... You got this.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
- Hey Jude, The Beatles
That's a quote from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. (Which is a great movie btw, if you haven't seen it, you should!). I think it's another way of saying watch yourself, because if you don't, life has a way of reminding you who you are.
So right now, I'm trying to figure out what life's trying to tell me. It seems like it keeps knockin' me... kickin' me while I'm down... I'm trying to decide how I'm supposed to interpret it, and what I did wrong. And if I haven't done anything wrong, maybe I'm just not doing something right. If I'm going to believe that things happen for a reason, it would be nice to, at least, be able to figure that reason out.
It seems like, for the last few months, my life has taken one financially detrimental turn after another... With all this stuff with my millennium scholarship gone awry, my hours at work basically getting massacred, all on top of a vacation that, when I planned it, I could afford but now it's not looking so good... It makes me wonder. I'm trying to find a positive light in this so that at least I can say I learned something...
Maybe life is trying to teach me something about control. And it's a lesson everyone can gain some insight from. You can't control everything that happens to you. And while maybe there are some better choices to be made, sometimes things just happen, and we have to learn to live with that.
I'm the kind of person who gets freaked out on the Ferris wheel because of the way it swings... It's not secured to anything and my feet are really far from the ground... I feel unstable, and that is the scariest feeling in the world for me... Maybe this is life's way of telling me to get over it... Everything in life is unstable. Your world can change in an instant, without warning, and sometimes the change is permanent.
I guess that's how I should look at it. The tests I'm facing are conquerable, and even if I take some really tough hits, and even if I come out of it a little worse for ware, I know there's a way out somewhere. I just need to get my priorities in order, and stay focused. That's gonna be one of the hardest parts for me, I think... Balancing the things I can't do anything about, and keeping the things I CAN do something about foremost in my mind.
Deep breath Malia... You got this.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
- Hey Jude, The Beatles
Monday, October 11, 2010
Dammit
Everyone wants a happy ending... Every single one of us longs to have every aspect our lives fall into neat little niches. We want to be able to tie every little piece up with a cute ribbon and set it up on a shelf where it can be admired.
Unfortunately, I'm a realist. And if you're reading this blog, you don't mind that. In this case, I'm especially addressing the people in our lives, including the people we choose to have in our lives, and the people life chooses for us.
My first question is for the people who choose to have those in their lives that they don't really care for. I've seen numerous instances of individuals or even groups of individuals that will greet a person with kindness and sincerity. They welcome them into their homes and social events and play happy-hunky-dory when that person is around. But then, when that person leaves, there is a stark contrast. They seem to have no end of comment on this person's undesirable qualities when not in their presence. It's an endless cycle. And instead of confronting this person, they wear smiles and sweetness as a facade.
I guess the question that I'm really trying to get to is, Why? Why bother having them around if there are so many things about them that bother you? And is your friendship not misleading? Aren't you carrying out a form of deceit? When you tell one person on thing and someone else another, is that not a lie? Is not withholding the truth almost as good as lying? If not, then isn't telling someone how you feel the right thing to do anyways?
I will admit to being guilty of this on occasion. I think a lot of it is the world I live in, just trying to avoid drama... And part of it is my job. I'm very uninterested in having problems at my place of employment. I go there to work, what more do I need? Nothing, really... But in my personal life this method has given me a great amount of... I would go so far as to say happiness. It relieves me of the burden of having to pretend to care about people I don't. It's rather... refreshing.
And then there's the issue of the people life gives and takes away from you, which is more of a philosophical issue... And more of a confounding one for me. It seems that in some cases, no matter how much you want something to work, it just won't. This may be one of the most frustrating sensations I've ever endured. It confuses me, how quickly people change... or perhaps that's how they always were and it just takes a certain situation to really show their true qualities. It hurts in some sense, because maybe the memory leaves a stain in your head you can't get out... Wishing for something that once was that seems to have dissolved into thin air... The vapor is already gone, there's nothing left to retrieve... Just maybe a faint scent of what used to be.
I feel now... especially... that maybe I've hit some dead-ends with some people and it really sucks. But I can already see the direction they're going and it's away from me... And really there's nothing I can do about that. I can't understand them anymore, and really, they can't understand me. Our lives have become so different in such a short time... It really seems there's nothing for it... It sucks...
I seem to remember reading a quote somewhere about life not giving you the people you want but the people you need to grow... And I feel in a lot of ways, that's true... But I guess in a lot of ways that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Nope. That's what alcohol's for ;)
Regardless, I should definitely be thankful for what I've had and have... I've met some great people who have taught me great things. I know some great people who have shown me that there ARE still good people out there who are willing to work with you. And I've said and am saying goodbye to good and not-as-good people who really showed me who I am and who I want to be.
To all I say one thing: Thank you.
It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
....
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sticks to the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
- Dammit, Blink-182
Unfortunately, I'm a realist. And if you're reading this blog, you don't mind that. In this case, I'm especially addressing the people in our lives, including the people we choose to have in our lives, and the people life chooses for us.
My first question is for the people who choose to have those in their lives that they don't really care for. I've seen numerous instances of individuals or even groups of individuals that will greet a person with kindness and sincerity. They welcome them into their homes and social events and play happy-hunky-dory when that person is around. But then, when that person leaves, there is a stark contrast. They seem to have no end of comment on this person's undesirable qualities when not in their presence. It's an endless cycle. And instead of confronting this person, they wear smiles and sweetness as a facade.
I guess the question that I'm really trying to get to is, Why? Why bother having them around if there are so many things about them that bother you? And is your friendship not misleading? Aren't you carrying out a form of deceit? When you tell one person on thing and someone else another, is that not a lie? Is not withholding the truth almost as good as lying? If not, then isn't telling someone how you feel the right thing to do anyways?
I will admit to being guilty of this on occasion. I think a lot of it is the world I live in, just trying to avoid drama... And part of it is my job. I'm very uninterested in having problems at my place of employment. I go there to work, what more do I need? Nothing, really... But in my personal life this method has given me a great amount of... I would go so far as to say happiness. It relieves me of the burden of having to pretend to care about people I don't. It's rather... refreshing.
And then there's the issue of the people life gives and takes away from you, which is more of a philosophical issue... And more of a confounding one for me. It seems that in some cases, no matter how much you want something to work, it just won't. This may be one of the most frustrating sensations I've ever endured. It confuses me, how quickly people change... or perhaps that's how they always were and it just takes a certain situation to really show their true qualities. It hurts in some sense, because maybe the memory leaves a stain in your head you can't get out... Wishing for something that once was that seems to have dissolved into thin air... The vapor is already gone, there's nothing left to retrieve... Just maybe a faint scent of what used to be.
I feel now... especially... that maybe I've hit some dead-ends with some people and it really sucks. But I can already see the direction they're going and it's away from me... And really there's nothing I can do about that. I can't understand them anymore, and really, they can't understand me. Our lives have become so different in such a short time... It really seems there's nothing for it... It sucks...
I seem to remember reading a quote somewhere about life not giving you the people you want but the people you need to grow... And I feel in a lot of ways, that's true... But I guess in a lot of ways that doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Nope. That's what alcohol's for ;)
Regardless, I should definitely be thankful for what I've had and have... I've met some great people who have taught me great things. I know some great people who have shown me that there ARE still good people out there who are willing to work with you. And I've said and am saying goodbye to good and not-as-good people who really showed me who I am and who I want to be.
To all I say one thing: Thank you.
It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
....
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sticks to the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
- Dammit, Blink-182
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