Down

God Awful Weeks.

I know we've all had them...

Well... This was my turn through the ringer. I know there are so many other people with bigger problems than mine, but all the ridiculous things that have happened this week plus raging out-of-control hormones have just made it... hellacious.

So, like numerous horrible things, it all started in Fallon. A very close family-friend's father passed away. He also happened to be one of my former coworkers. He was a very nice man, with a fantastic sense of humor, and so many amazing stories (including stories about blowing things up XD Yup!). And he was so intelligent! It doesn't compute for me... that he's gone. It doesn't make sense, considering I saw him not that long ago and he was fine! He was alive and well... I remember the last time I saw him I had just stopped by the shop for a few minutes... When I left I gave him a hug... He was such a great person... Sometimes I just don't understand why the world has to work the way it does... Not even a little bit.

And of course, that day was also supposed to be Haly's 18th birthday.

It was SUPPOSED to be. It should have been. She was an amazing person too... And I regret every day that she probably didn't know I felt that way. I'm so selfish. I live every day with this horrible guilt for not calling... for not making that tiny effort to just show her and her family that I was thinking of her... It was like I tried to make up for it after the fact, but you can never undo that sort of thing... You can never fix that type of negligence... I thought the world of her. I thought she was one of the most kick-assnest kids I had met in a very long time. She made me laugh and she made me proud... I will always have the memory of her solo and ensemble piece... It was the first time I had ever heard that song... And it was the first time I'd ever really seen Haly sing an honest solo... It was beautiful and sweet and somehow haunting... It was a privalege to be there. And I never told her.

And of course, there's all this drama in Fallon right now... Choir kids vs. Mormons, if you will. And now I'm more confused than ever. I have a sneaking suspicion of how all of this has gotten as far as it has, now... I see the situation clearly, but somehow it has left me more out-of-sorts than before... Being in the dead center of the carnage is a really frustrating place to be, especially when you know some of the things I do. I wish I could fix all of it and make it better.... People talk about it like it's just going to blow over, but this has and is going to continue to fuck up people's lives. And it's even more frustrating when you know it's over something that's just not worth it in the end. Period. No way.

And that was just Tuesday.

The worst part about all this is trying to pour your heart out to someone and being totally blown off. It's actually pretty heartbreaking.

And of course there are only a million other things happening right now. We're trying to get ready to move into our new apartment. We're trying to get ready to go on vacation. Have both been major causes of stress, considering it was a hell of a time trying to work things out with the leasing agent at the new place, and the place we're in is going to require so much work... Cleaning this place is going to be a real pain, considering we have to get the carpets cleaned and the shower is... a beast... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry ><>

Our vacation has become something of a beast as well... Nothing seems to be working out right, and it's costing more money than I intended... Plus because of the move there's going to be a lot more money owed when we get back than we intended... Especially because the new leasing agent took so damn long, and now we're going to have to have our rent prorated to match our 30-days..

And then there's work. It's stressful enough anyways, without all this other stuff going on too, but sometimes I wonder how it's possible for the shit to so thoroughly hit the fan. Saturday was basically the worst workday I've ever had in my life... One of our residents was having a particularly confused day. She was calling for help like she was being tortured, she thought our caregivers were trying to drug her, and she was looking for her husband who has been dead for 2 years. I was talking to her, when I turned to address another resident. She promptly threw the water in her cup down the front of me, before turning to huck the cup across my desk. Now... maybe this seems a small thing to you, but I'm walked on all the time at work. This particular expression of utter disrespect made me intensely angry. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it cool for as long as I did, but eventually I had to excuse myself so I could walk... and of course, cry. It's my first reaction when I get angry... And of course every time I ran into a supervisor, I cried. Not only had I been humiliated by a resident, but I only further humiliated myself by bawling like a baby... It was terrible...

And then there's this. Yes, this. And maybe this is the smallest thing of all, and maybe if I was a good friend, I wouldn't care. But you know what? All I have to say is WHY does this have to be the cherry on top of an already extremely fucked up week? WHY?

So Emil is the only person who's actually listened to me babble without basically blowing me off... Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you know? I talk to him all the time.... I would be nice to not feel so totally alone right now...

And maybe my complaints are about things that are so very infinitesimally small that I really shouldn't be complaining, but you know what? YOU try handling all this stuff at once and tell me how you deal.

Fuck.Everything.


"Tidal waves they
Rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn
Cold and Sad
Pick me up now
I need you so bad

Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so"

- Down, Blink 182

All The Small Things

As of this past Saturday, July 10th, we are officially packing up our current apartment to move a new one. Of course... Packing entails going through the stuff we've accumulated over the past year and, in some cases, the stuff we've accumulated over our two lifetimes. As I'm going through everything, including at least one box I never unpacked from our LAST move, I feel myself overcome with a sense of bittersweetness and even a little bit of homesickness.

As I unpack to repack this one box that's been sitting in my hallway for over 11 months, I relive memories that have been burried in the dusty corridors of the back of my head. Little trinkets and things that decorated a graduation cake long-consumed have collected quite a film of dirt on them (I am in the middle of desert after all) and would probably serve a better cause either in a trash or in a yard sale. But for some reason, I can't make myself part with them.

How is it that it's been a year since I graduated? How did I let that happen? How did I let all the events between then and now happen? How is it that all the fun and innocence and the high-spirited carefree moments seem so far away? Why does it feel like it all happened ages ago? And why can't I go back?

The world feels so heavy once you're out into it. I wish I could go back and relive the moments where the world seemed so full of possibilities. I will always value the place in my memories, after I knew my college was payed for, and before I actually had to go. It sounds silly, and childish, and selfish, but those are memories I believe I will always treasure above all else. Recently I was asked when the time I remember being the happiest was, and I answered last summer. I now clearly understand why.

The world is a much scarier place than I originally believed it to be.

Not to say I'm not looking ahead, because I am... I want to get back to that place where I don't have to worry so much and life doesn't seem like such a heavy burden... I believe I'll get there...

One day.


"All the small things
Truth care, truth brings
I'll take one lift
Your ride, best trip

Always I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, Waiting
Comiserating

Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home

Late night, Come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares

Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home

Keep your head still
I'll be your thrill
The night will go on
My Little windmill"

Heart Songs

So I'm starting this blog here because writing a million notes on facebook is obnoxious and myspace blogging is rendered pointless by the fact that no one uses it anymore. It also helps that, for some odd reason, I have a silly fascination with putting my thoughts down on things... And I'm really looking forward to have something on which to hone my vocabulary and other writing skills... Meaning I will try to keep this blog less pointless, and more meaningful.

So, with the irony of what I just said lingering boldly on the page, let me tell you a bit about who I (think) I am (a.ka. mindless blathering).

I would like to start by saying, I am an extremely flawed individual. I will probably say things in this blog that you will find absurd. I tend overreact and I feel too much too quickly, without thinking ahead. I'm trying to get better about that... My biggest worries are always my loved ones and money. I love making people happy and I fret when I think the people I care about may be in pain or discomfort, even... And then of course, money is a worry for everyone. This combination, however, leads me to a rather paralyzing condundrum... I love being generous to the ones I care about but spending money kind of freaks me out >< Try to solve THAT one...

I love intensely. Don't be my friend if you can't handle me being worried about you. I tend to speak my mind amply, without being prompted and I don't always have nice things to say. I WILL tell you if I think you're being stupid. It's not that I'm trying to me mean or abrasive or anything like that... It's just that you really should know, it's for your own good. You can say nothing about me if not that I'm honest... Even if it is to a fault sometimes...

I am with the most wonderful man on the earth <3 And I intend to spend the rest of my life with him.

I hate raw meat. I refuse to touch it. I love pepsi <3 It's delicious. Twilight is maybe the worst thing to happen to our society as a whole (I'll probably go in depth on this in another blog entry... I tend to get very ranty on the subject). I like to party, but it's not my focus. There are other things that are more important. I strongly feel it is EXTREMELY important to have a focus in your life. It's too easy to get lost through the years without one. Mac and Cheese will forever have a place in my heart. Thought, really, I just love food. I LOVE music.

I grew up too fast, but I am still a child in so many ways, and so very capable of making mistakes... This frustrates me to no end, as I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I have very high expecations of myself. I pride myself on being a hardworker, but at the same time, I am INCREDIBLY lazy... I seriously astound myself sometimes....

I believe all writers are at least somewhat narcissistic. I guess that makes me a narcissist...

Just in case all this mindless blathering didn't tell you that...

"These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singin'"

- Heart Songs, Weezer