New Years' Eve...
I can finally officially say goodbye to this beautiful, ugly, terrible, wonderful year.
I can only count the blessings of this year in contrast to the tragedies. If it weren't for the low points, I fear I may have neglected to make note of the high ones.
I have come to know and grown close to so many wonderful people this year. Thanks to these, I now know how I want to spend my time.
I have lost... so deeply... and the shock made me realize how I want to spend my time. Why waste another moment? I hope that I never again take the ones I love for granted...
I have enriched my quality of life by forgetting about forgettable people... People that didn't have my best interest in mind, and were only using me as a point of interest.
I have been on grand adventures, with the best of the best at my side. I hope to never forget the wonderful moments I have shared with the friends and family I have that really care about who I am and who I want to be. This is has been the most rewarding part... Sharing my life with others and having them share theirs with me. These are the moments that make me feel like this year has been worth something.
I have changed... and also have yet to decide if I like that change or not.
My hope for next year is that it will be even more full. I want to relax more, and take every moment as it is, the good and the bad.
I want to have more adventures, and spend more time with the people who matter. I want to spend less time trying to please the people who don't.
Most of all, I want those I love to have success and fulfillment. I want them to have the best years they can possibly have. I want to see them spread their wings and become the people they want to be. I no longer want to have to watch them struggle, because I know they deserve more than that... And I want those of my loved ones who haven't realized that to do so.
It's going to be a big year... I can feel it... Won't you share it with me?
And I say
"Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything and
Sometimes, I'm so alive, so alive
Sometimes, I feel like I can zoom 'cross the sky and
Sometimes, I wanna cry"
Most people try to aim to please
But a lot a them are kinda weak in the knees
Learnin' late about the birds and the bees
Fallin' in love and wanna be set free
Playin' ball at the age of thirteen
Everybody's growin' up with a dream
I never noticed what could happen to me
Time flies when you're walking the streets
One minute gotcha holdin' an ace
The next minute gotcha fall on your face
A mean city is a nasty place
Only a rat can win a rat race
Peace to the people who be fallin' away
To make it home today
And peace to the people who be tryin' to find
Some kind of life
Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything and
Sometimes, I'm so alive, so alive
Sometimes, I feel like I can zoom 'cross the sky and
Sometimes, I wanna cry
Yeah love never stop now
Our love will never stop now
Yeah love will never stop now
Our love will always shine
Sound of body and sound of mind
Sound of the rhythm and sound of the rhyme
Somebody marchin' all out of time
Biggest mistakes are the humanest kind
Judge not, lest you be judged
The court room or the Billy club
Blood bubblin' thicker than mud yo'
The heart beat rub-a-dub-dub
Show love and love who you know
Family wherever you go
Tokyo to Acapulco
Bravissimo, magnifico
Peace to the people who be losin' their head
Peace to the people who be needin' a bed
Love to the people who be feelin' alone
Spreadin' love upon the microphone
Hope to the people who be feelin' down
Smile to the people who be wearin' a frown
Faith to the people who be seekin' the truth y'all
- Sometimes, Michael Franti
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Good Riddance - Time of Your Life
So that's another year on the board for me. I turned twenty today. That's two decades of wreaking havoc on the planet earth! Look at me go!
Looking back on the last year... So many things have changed. In the last year, I've made so many decisions... And so many of them changed my life. It hasn't been an easy year, and perhaps that's partially karma. The prior year was basically all fun and games, so I guess it's about time I got what was coming to me. It's okay though, because I learned a lot this year and I thought I would impart some of this knowledge to you, whoever you are, that happens to be reading this.
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned, and something that should be common sense but we all tend to take for granted, is savor the happy moments. You get to a place in life where they become few and far between, so it's good to have the aftertaste of something wonderful to look back on. Take lots of pictures. Make lots of memories. Create opportunities to be with the people you care about, because they're worth it, and it could all be gone in an instant. I think that may be a lesson Sami reiterated for me. I still have a hard time thinking and talking about that. I to do so, however, as often as I can... I've made the mistake of not allowing myself to mourn before, and I will forever reap the consequences.
Know who you are, and be conscientious of who you want to be. If coming from a small town has taught be nothing at all, it did teach me this: People who have no goals or focus, go nowhere. It pains me to see so many good people just rotting away, treating themselves and other people like so much refuse. It makes me think if they would stop and think about it for an instant they might be able to make more of themselves. It really is sad that so many people would rather just live moment to moment, trapped in a whorlpool of instant gratification, where all they can think about is what is going to make them feel better now, no matter what the consequences are in the future. It really is sad.
This year has taught be the importance of loving yourself, and not letting other people define how you feel about you. I guess this is tied back to the Codependency video I've posted about a thousand times, and I hope it's affected someone. I guess I post it so much because it hits pretty close to home. I'm only one in a sea of people that have had issues with self-worth, and I know how hard it is to recover sometimes... But you know what? How can you truly learn to love someone else if you can't even love yourself? Knowing yourself as and individual and being happy with who you are is so essential to having healthy relationships with other people... Looking for all the good things about yourself in other people can try a relationship so intensely... I've been on both sides of that coin, and that's why I can say this... Do whatever you need to do to get right with yourself, because in the end, you'll be better off for it, I promise.
One day at a time is more than enough. Sometimes it's good to have a plan or a schedule, because some people need that kind of organization. I understand that because I'm one of those people. But if you overload yourself and try to handle a week's worth of crap in one day, you just end up stressed out and unhappy, and in the end you make everyone around you unhappy too. I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. If my life were a fairytale, Stress would be my dragon, and it and I would have an epic battle almost every day. And I can't tell you how important it is to just stop and relax once in a while. I'm pretty sure I almost lost my sanity this last semester, because once in a while I would forget what's REALLY good for me, and it's not perfect grades (though that would be nice, it's unrealistic.)
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, know when to let go. Sometimes that's a hard line to draw but... I've talked before about how I have a hard time with pulling back and learning when I just have to step away but... I feel like I'm getting better. I think I owe that in part to that fact that I've realized giving 110% isn't worth it unless you're going to get it back. And I also think I owe that to the fact that in the last year I've gotten really close to some wonderful people who do give that 110%. Those people have shown me that there is hope for mankind, and it's not totally comprised of selfish bastards.
So I guess... happy birthday to me :) It's been a good year, if a difficult one... But it's okay! Hopefully this one will be another worthwhile year...
Merry Christmas everyone...
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
- Good Riddance - Time of Your Life, Green Day
Looking back on the last year... So many things have changed. In the last year, I've made so many decisions... And so many of them changed my life. It hasn't been an easy year, and perhaps that's partially karma. The prior year was basically all fun and games, so I guess it's about time I got what was coming to me. It's okay though, because I learned a lot this year and I thought I would impart some of this knowledge to you, whoever you are, that happens to be reading this.
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned, and something that should be common sense but we all tend to take for granted, is savor the happy moments. You get to a place in life where they become few and far between, so it's good to have the aftertaste of something wonderful to look back on. Take lots of pictures. Make lots of memories. Create opportunities to be with the people you care about, because they're worth it, and it could all be gone in an instant. I think that may be a lesson Sami reiterated for me. I still have a hard time thinking and talking about that. I to do so, however, as often as I can... I've made the mistake of not allowing myself to mourn before, and I will forever reap the consequences.
Know who you are, and be conscientious of who you want to be. If coming from a small town has taught be nothing at all, it did teach me this: People who have no goals or focus, go nowhere. It pains me to see so many good people just rotting away, treating themselves and other people like so much refuse. It makes me think if they would stop and think about it for an instant they might be able to make more of themselves. It really is sad that so many people would rather just live moment to moment, trapped in a whorlpool of instant gratification, where all they can think about is what is going to make them feel better now, no matter what the consequences are in the future. It really is sad.
This year has taught be the importance of loving yourself, and not letting other people define how you feel about you. I guess this is tied back to the Codependency video I've posted about a thousand times, and I hope it's affected someone. I guess I post it so much because it hits pretty close to home. I'm only one in a sea of people that have had issues with self-worth, and I know how hard it is to recover sometimes... But you know what? How can you truly learn to love someone else if you can't even love yourself? Knowing yourself as and individual and being happy with who you are is so essential to having healthy relationships with other people... Looking for all the good things about yourself in other people can try a relationship so intensely... I've been on both sides of that coin, and that's why I can say this... Do whatever you need to do to get right with yourself, because in the end, you'll be better off for it, I promise.
One day at a time is more than enough. Sometimes it's good to have a plan or a schedule, because some people need that kind of organization. I understand that because I'm one of those people. But if you overload yourself and try to handle a week's worth of crap in one day, you just end up stressed out and unhappy, and in the end you make everyone around you unhappy too. I struggle with this CONSTANTLY. If my life were a fairytale, Stress would be my dragon, and it and I would have an epic battle almost every day. And I can't tell you how important it is to just stop and relax once in a while. I'm pretty sure I almost lost my sanity this last semester, because once in a while I would forget what's REALLY good for me, and it's not perfect grades (though that would be nice, it's unrealistic.)
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, know when to let go. Sometimes that's a hard line to draw but... I've talked before about how I have a hard time with pulling back and learning when I just have to step away but... I feel like I'm getting better. I think I owe that in part to that fact that I've realized giving 110% isn't worth it unless you're going to get it back. And I also think I owe that to the fact that in the last year I've gotten really close to some wonderful people who do give that 110%. Those people have shown me that there is hope for mankind, and it's not totally comprised of selfish bastards.
So I guess... happy birthday to me :) It's been a good year, if a difficult one... But it's okay! Hopefully this one will be another worthwhile year...
Merry Christmas everyone...
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
- Good Riddance - Time of Your Life, Green Day
Friday, December 10, 2010
Black Sheep
I don't really know how to start this...
One.Two.Three.Go.
God doesn't always give you the people you want. But he will give you the people that you need...
My philosophy is God gives you the people who will make you who you are. And sometimes he gives you the people who will show you exactly who you don't want to be.
Sometimes I look back and I think, 'I could have said this, THAT would've been satisfying.' I guess in some ways the me now is somehow less mature than the me of back then. I'm not really sure if I would change anything if I was put back in that situation, or if I something similar happened to me today that I would say really immature, terrible things... But it's a thought.
Something else that's been on my mind lately... Sometimes life gives you pills that are hard to swallow, and it doesn't offer you anything to take it down with. Starting over is hard, but maybe that's what we all need from time to time... A fresh start.
I tend to get this urge to just run away and never look back. I know the reason for this is that I'm not completely secure in any of my relationships... and that's my fault. But in the end, I'm looking for a two-way street. I'm looking to know that you care as much about me as I do about you. I need that kind of reassurance.
And trust is essential. It can't just be one person trusting the other, either... You have to trust each other equally. I have a history of trusting too much, too quickly... And I know it's because I'm desperate to see something that's not necessarily there... So I'm starting to think maybe it's time to pull back. It's moments like that I just want to be alone, because people are complicated and relationships are hard. My energy stores were depleted a long time ago, so I don't have all that much to give anymore. If I'm going to have to start at square one all over again, I might as well drop it and find new people... I've not really done anything to prove myself untrustworthy, so I think I deserve better.
And I guess that's part of the problem... Trying to figure out what I deserve and what I need to work harder for in order to attain... And sometimes it's hard enough to figure out if the work is worth it.
-sigh- It sucks... But like I've said before... I guess it's all part of growing up....
Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again
I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you
- Black Sheep, Metric
One.Two.Three.Go.
God doesn't always give you the people you want. But he will give you the people that you need...
My philosophy is God gives you the people who will make you who you are. And sometimes he gives you the people who will show you exactly who you don't want to be.
Sometimes I look back and I think, 'I could have said this, THAT would've been satisfying.' I guess in some ways the me now is somehow less mature than the me of back then. I'm not really sure if I would change anything if I was put back in that situation, or if I something similar happened to me today that I would say really immature, terrible things... But it's a thought.
Something else that's been on my mind lately... Sometimes life gives you pills that are hard to swallow, and it doesn't offer you anything to take it down with. Starting over is hard, but maybe that's what we all need from time to time... A fresh start.
I tend to get this urge to just run away and never look back. I know the reason for this is that I'm not completely secure in any of my relationships... and that's my fault. But in the end, I'm looking for a two-way street. I'm looking to know that you care as much about me as I do about you. I need that kind of reassurance.
And trust is essential. It can't just be one person trusting the other, either... You have to trust each other equally. I have a history of trusting too much, too quickly... And I know it's because I'm desperate to see something that's not necessarily there... So I'm starting to think maybe it's time to pull back. It's moments like that I just want to be alone, because people are complicated and relationships are hard. My energy stores were depleted a long time ago, so I don't have all that much to give anymore. If I'm going to have to start at square one all over again, I might as well drop it and find new people... I've not really done anything to prove myself untrustworthy, so I think I deserve better.
And I guess that's part of the problem... Trying to figure out what I deserve and what I need to work harder for in order to attain... And sometimes it's hard enough to figure out if the work is worth it.
-sigh- It sucks... But like I've said before... I guess it's all part of growing up....
Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again
I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you
- Black Sheep, Metric
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