So I wrote about this once already but I didn't advertise it because it was more of an angry rant than anything... basically completely unproductive since the only thing it did was make me more upset.
A little less than one month ago today, Emil was fired. Needless to say, I had enough reasons prior to the incident to want to burn that damn place down. This did not help my efforts in resisting the urge... among other things.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am an intense worrier. I worry about everything and everyone always. So you can imagine that this has not done my psyche any great kindness. The tidal waves of stress have been enough to knock me over, over and over again, to the point where I was sure I would drown in it.
And of course, if you know me, you know that stress does nothing for my personality. I've been a terrible person, especially to Emil. I feel like the only thing I can see around me is negativity, and it brings out all my worst qualities. I feel like a spoiled child. I feel like an old woman. I feel stupid. Sometimes I feel like this must be some kind of divine punishment or karmic backlash. And then I feel so silly because I know that life is life and sometimes this stuff happens... Why should I expect any different?
But really, is anyone prepared for this kind of thing when it happens? Don't we all walk around thinking, 'It won't happen to me. I'm prepared. I'll be ready if and when it happens.' I always thought that way... And then one day it did, and I suddenly realized how unprepared I really was...
I was not prepared to suddenly be supporting myself and another person on a student paycheck. I was not prepared to come back from a vacation, only to discover that I probably should have hung on to all that precious, ugly money. I was not prepared to learn that I would need to brace myself, because I'm probably going to have to scrounge up $2,000 in tuition from God knows where.
And that's the part that makes me feel really childish. There are times when I feel so sorry for myself... But what makes me so special? What makes me so special that I should be able to handle this burden better than anyone else? Nothing. I'm still just a stupid 20-year-old, with no life experience, who is in way over her head in this world, throwing a tantrum because she bit off more than she could chew. And then I feel stupid. I really have shot myself in the foot this time, huh?
It's this kind of thinking that is really not healthy for a person. Sometimes the way I go around and around with myself makes my head feel like it's going to pop. It would probably be easier if I had some other kind of outlet... but I don't write, really... I don't draw. I haven't even touched my piano in months (don't tell my mom...). My friends are, for the most part, out of reach (to no fault of their own, that's adult life)... and I'm sure they're more tired of hearing about it than I am talking about it... So I guess, for the most part, I feel like I'm on my own as far as handling it...
As far as staying positive, some days are better than others. The hardest emotion to stay in control of is my raging frustration that I could take out on anyone or anything. Sometimes I seriously feel like I could run through my apartment trashing everything, just to vent. So I try running and cleaning... and that seems to help...
I feel a little guilty, since I'm so focused on handling myself that I don't even know about Emil, and how he's feeling... but honestly I can't tell... I'm not even gonna start complaining about how he's handling the situation on my blog but... Yea. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm sure he has his issues with it but... it's not immediately apparent to me, and he's not much for talking about it, and anymore, I'm not much for asking.
For now, I will continue to hope that things get better soon... or that maybe a miracle will happen tomorrow and we'll be rich and I can stop worrying. Until then, I'll keep my nose to the grindstone and my chin up as high as I can get it...
If that's even physically possible XP
More and more I can't say no,
So afraid of letting go.
If there's something I can grab,
You can bet I'll pay the tab.
Counting all the flowers,
waste the precious hours,
I need to find some peace.
All these problems on my mind,
make it hard for me to think.
There is no way I can stop,
my poor brain is gonna pop.
And I don't have a purpose
scattered on the surface,
I need to find some peace.
woah-oh-oh-oh.
And all the broken tethers,
we can bring together,
I need to find some peace.
- "Peace," Weezer
