All We Are

Confession time. Aren't you excited?

I'm scared. Terrified, actually.

Lately I've developed a toxic fixation. I've developed the dangerous habit of reading crappy love and relationship articles on MSN. This is quite possibly one of the WORST ideas I've had in a while. If nothing else, it's given me a lot to think about (much to Emil's chagrin).

These crappy articles are, typically, about couples who are facing, have faced, or have solicited failures within their marriages. These articles are sometimes very raw, going into gruesome detail about how ugly these relationships become, and the heartbreak that then ensues. And of course there's always the expose presented by a reporter, showing you the face and the reason behind why so many people get into these situations.

The frightening thing about it is that they remove the demon from the adulturer, they strip you of your preconceived notions about the kind of person who causes or emerges from a damaged union. They are just a person hurting another person. And aren't we all just people?

The scariest part is that we are all capable of the exact same thing. We like to think we are above it, each and every one of us. We want to believe that these are extreme cases of messed up people, and we'll never get they're. We're different from these people in some unexplicable way... But the truth is, we're not. You're not. And neither am I.

It's scary to think that not a single one of us is gauranteed a happy ending. Not you. Not me. Nobody.

And it's not even SO frightening to think we (I) could be the ones getting hurt. But that we (I) are capable of hurting someone else so thoroughly and fully and irreparably. I feel like it's something that all couples are going to end up doing over and over... But of course there are bound to be times that it's worse than others. And maybe every couple experiences this vicious cycle once in a while...

It's hard knowing that one day Emil and I will reach an impasse. This is not to say it hasn't happened in the past, and back then we could handle it. We did handle it. It was hard, but we made it. However, this isn't high school anymore, and the older we get, the more our problems will grow with it.

Bigger Obstacles. Worse Fights.

Part of my problem is that I know myself too well. I'm impatient and flighty. I like (I CRAVE) attention, and I like to flirt. I don't always put as much effort into something as I should. And while I like to pretend I'm better than running from my problems (I SO want to believe I'm better than running away from my problems) I'm not... When things get hard, I'll be the very first person to bolt, and willing myself to forget anything ever happened in the first place. I am self-destructive. I am selfish. I am stubborn.

I'm so scared that I will crack under the pressure. I'm scared I'll do something I can never undo. I'm scared that I will turn into another statistic. Like my parents. And their parents.

My constant prayer is that Emil will stay the same. That he will continue to be patient with me and keep me grounded... That he will continue to do as he's always done... and force me to face the bad times, and show me how to really enjoy the good times... I pray that he will continue to make me into a better person, to show me how to be a better person...

-sigh- I guess there's really only one person who can know the future... And it's not me...

I tried to paint you a picture

The colors were all wrong

Black and white didn't fit you

And all along

You were shaded with patience

The strokes of everything

That I need just to make it

But I can see

Lord knows I've failed you time and again

But you and me are alright

We won't say our goodbyes

You know it's better that way

We won't break, we won't die

It's just a moment of change

All we are, All we are

Is everything that's right

All we need, all we need

A lover's alibi

I walked a minute in your shoes

They never would have fit

I figured there's nothing to lose

I need to get

Some perspective on these words

Before I write them down

You're an island

And my ship has run aground...

- "All We Are" One Republic