Peace

So I wrote about this once already but I didn't advertise it because it was more of an angry rant than anything... basically completely unproductive since the only thing it did was make me more upset.

A little less than one month ago today, Emil was fired. Needless to say, I had enough reasons prior to the incident to want to burn that damn place down. This did not help my efforts in resisting the urge... among other things.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an intense worrier. I worry about everything and everyone always. So you can imagine that this has not done my psyche any great kindness. The tidal waves of stress have been enough to knock me over, over and over again, to the point where I was sure I would drown in it.

And of course, if you know me, you know that stress does nothing for my personality. I've been a terrible person, especially to Emil. I feel like the only thing I can see around me is negativity, and it brings out all my worst qualities. I feel like a spoiled child. I feel like an old woman. I feel stupid. Sometimes I feel like this must be some kind of divine punishment or karmic backlash. And then I feel so silly because I know that life is life and sometimes this stuff happens... Why should I expect any different?

But really, is anyone prepared for this kind of thing when it happens? Don't we all walk around thinking, 'It won't happen to me. I'm prepared. I'll be ready if and when it happens.' I always thought that way... And then one day it did, and I suddenly realized how unprepared I really was...

I was not prepared to suddenly be supporting myself and another person on a student paycheck. I was not prepared to come back from a vacation, only to discover that I probably should have hung on to all that precious, ugly money. I was not prepared to learn that I would need to brace myself, because I'm probably going to have to scrounge up $2,000 in tuition from God knows where.

And that's the part that makes me feel really childish. There are times when I feel so sorry for myself... But what makes me so special? What makes me so special that I should be able to handle this burden better than anyone else? Nothing. I'm still just a stupid 20-year-old, with no life experience, who is in way over her head in this world, throwing a tantrum because she bit off more than she could chew. And then I feel stupid. I really have shot myself in the foot this time, huh?

It's this kind of thinking that is really not healthy for a person. Sometimes the way I go around and around with myself makes my head feel like it's going to pop. It would probably be easier if I had some other kind of outlet... but I don't write, really... I don't draw. I haven't even touched my piano in months (don't tell my mom...). My friends are, for the most part, out of reach (to no fault of their own, that's adult life)... and I'm sure they're more tired of hearing about it than I am talking about it... So I guess, for the most part, I feel like I'm on my own as far as handling it...

As far as staying positive, some days are better than others. The hardest emotion to stay in control of is my raging frustration that I could take out on anyone or anything. Sometimes I seriously feel like I could run through my apartment trashing everything, just to vent. So I try running and cleaning... and that seems to help...

I feel a little guilty, since I'm so focused on handling myself that I don't even know about Emil, and how he's feeling... but honestly I can't tell... I'm not even gonna start complaining about how he's handling the situation on my blog but... Yea. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm sure he has his issues with it but... it's not immediately apparent to me, and he's not much for talking about it, and anymore, I'm not much for asking.

For now, I will continue to hope that things get better soon... or that maybe a miracle will happen tomorrow and we'll be rich and I can stop worrying. Until then, I'll keep my nose to the grindstone and my chin up as high as I can get it...

If that's even physically possible XP




More and more I can't say no,
So afraid of letting go.
If there's something I can grab,
You can bet I'll pay the tab.

Counting all the flowers,
waste the precious hours,
I need to find some peace.

All these problems on my mind,
make it hard for me to think.
There is no way I can stop,
my poor brain is gonna pop.

And I don't have a purpose
scattered on the surface,
I need to find some peace.

woah-oh-oh-oh.

And all the broken tethers,
we can bring together,
I need to find some peace.

- "Peace," Weezer

All We Are

Confession time. Aren't you excited?

I'm scared. Terrified, actually.

Lately I've developed a toxic fixation. I've developed the dangerous habit of reading crappy love and relationship articles on MSN. This is quite possibly one of the WORST ideas I've had in a while. If nothing else, it's given me a lot to think about (much to Emil's chagrin).

These crappy articles are, typically, about couples who are facing, have faced, or have solicited failures within their marriages. These articles are sometimes very raw, going into gruesome detail about how ugly these relationships become, and the heartbreak that then ensues. And of course there's always the expose presented by a reporter, showing you the face and the reason behind why so many people get into these situations.

The frightening thing about it is that they remove the demon from the adulturer, they strip you of your preconceived notions about the kind of person who causes or emerges from a damaged union. They are just a person hurting another person. And aren't we all just people?

The scariest part is that we are all capable of the exact same thing. We like to think we are above it, each and every one of us. We want to believe that these are extreme cases of messed up people, and we'll never get they're. We're different from these people in some unexplicable way... But the truth is, we're not. You're not. And neither am I.

It's scary to think that not a single one of us is gauranteed a happy ending. Not you. Not me. Nobody.

And it's not even SO frightening to think we (I) could be the ones getting hurt. But that we (I) are capable of hurting someone else so thoroughly and fully and irreparably. I feel like it's something that all couples are going to end up doing over and over... But of course there are bound to be times that it's worse than others. And maybe every couple experiences this vicious cycle once in a while...

It's hard knowing that one day Emil and I will reach an impasse. This is not to say it hasn't happened in the past, and back then we could handle it. We did handle it. It was hard, but we made it. However, this isn't high school anymore, and the older we get, the more our problems will grow with it.

Bigger Obstacles. Worse Fights.

Part of my problem is that I know myself too well. I'm impatient and flighty. I like (I CRAVE) attention, and I like to flirt. I don't always put as much effort into something as I should. And while I like to pretend I'm better than running from my problems (I SO want to believe I'm better than running away from my problems) I'm not... When things get hard, I'll be the very first person to bolt, and willing myself to forget anything ever happened in the first place. I am self-destructive. I am selfish. I am stubborn.

I'm so scared that I will crack under the pressure. I'm scared I'll do something I can never undo. I'm scared that I will turn into another statistic. Like my parents. And their parents.

My constant prayer is that Emil will stay the same. That he will continue to be patient with me and keep me grounded... That he will continue to do as he's always done... and force me to face the bad times, and show me how to really enjoy the good times... I pray that he will continue to make me into a better person, to show me how to be a better person...

-sigh- I guess there's really only one person who can know the future... And it's not me...

I tried to paint you a picture

The colors were all wrong

Black and white didn't fit you

And all along

You were shaded with patience

The strokes of everything

That I need just to make it

But I can see

Lord knows I've failed you time and again

But you and me are alright

We won't say our goodbyes

You know it's better that way

We won't break, we won't die

It's just a moment of change

All we are, All we are

Is everything that's right

All we need, all we need

A lover's alibi

I walked a minute in your shoes

They never would have fit

I figured there's nothing to lose

I need to get

Some perspective on these words

Before I write them down

You're an island

And my ship has run aground...

- "All We Are" One Republic

Hold Me

I've been thinking about starting over a lot lately.

Picking up, disappearing, and never looking back.

I feel like here my destiny is being wrought for me... like my past is controlling my future in the way only coming from a small town can. It colors my reality in such an ugly and complicated why... it makes me feel a little disenchanted with the world.

And this makes me feel like maybe my destiny is somewhere else...

I want to find a place to belong. I think that's what we're all looking for in the end, right? A place that you can look at and say, "I'm home. I'm meant to be here."

There are times when I feel like I've never truly had somewhere like that. At the very least... It's been a long time. I think it's wrong when you can cite specific moments that felt like tangible times of true belonging. Aren't you always supposed to feel like that, at least when you're with family? I guess I don't really have that....

Maybe THAT is truly my biggest wish for the next year... Not that I could ever forsake what I have, since Emil has always given me a safe-haven... He IS home for me... But I guess what I'm looking for is... something other than that.

Whatever it is... I hope I find it.


I am terrified of all things.
Frightened of the dark.
I am.
You are taller than a mountain.
Deeper than the sea.
You are.

Hold me.
Hold me.
Take me with you 'cause I'm lonely.

I was closer to you back then.
I was happier.
I was.
You are fading further from me.
Why don't you come home to me?

Hold me.
Hold me.
Take me with you 'cause I'm lonely.

I am...
I am...
Cold.

Hold Me.